And alas, I’ve run into a boy who is too wise and self aware to manipulate. Which, if I’m going to be honest here, is exactly what I was trying to do. Because an ‘I like you enough to see where this will lead’ seemed like uncertainty and doubt in comparison to the maddening, spirit engulfing love affair I had always envisioned for myself. So I coaxed him to express himself in the ways I needed him to to validate me. I threw bitch fits with the intent of him chasing me and consoling me. I demanded answers he sincerely didn’t have. I pressed him for a guarantee he honestly couldn’t provide. Until finally, he just couldn’t take it anymore.
And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for ruining us before we could even start. For letting my ego and expectations push him to a point of no return. Until I made that ‘I like you, let’s see where this could lead’ turn into a ‘let’s end this now’ followed by a silent treatment. I was so concerned with the idea that he wasn’t completely enthralled by me and might be just tolerating me that I made it so he couldn’t even do that anymore. I pushed him to the point that the person he has become is so far removed from the person I initially caught feelings for that I don’t even recognize him anymore. He’s just a hard shell of the man who I used to exchange movies and books with. He’s this new guy who gives me the cold shoulder. And who could blame him?
Sure, he could’ve ended it more amicably, as his harshness hurt me beyond repair. But that’s the thing, I don’t choose how he reacts and me trying to dictate that is how we got here in the first place. If I could control his reactions, he wouldn’t be him. And the reason I felt so strongly was because he’s him; not me.
I could’ve written him out to be a villain. I could’ve pulled the same victimized crap that I usually do. And I was going to. I was going to write another entry about unrequited love and all the effort I put into this person who ended up not appreciating any of it. That’s the thing about being a writer, I always have the advantage because it’s my perception. But I didn’t do that this time. For the first time, I looked for the fault within myself. And I hope that means something. That I’m learning to love maturely. Even if it’s not going to be with him.