I’ve been procrastinating on even attempting any of the things on my list of things I want to start cultivating, especially learning to cook. However, as me and my boyfriend discussed how we both feel like we’re slowly commiting suicide with all this fast food and gas station junk while eating Wendy’s earlier, I knew it was time to take control of my health. The greasiness had us leaning over our tables declaring we had the ‘itis’ and couldn’t possibly walk any further. I mean, have you ever seen someone leave a fast food joint looking happy, perky, or energetic? No. Everyone looks drained, lazy, and sad. Now, I doubt I’ll ever be some health freak because let’s be realistic; I love food. It’s delicious. But I’m vowing to refrain from eating out and to stop being so terrified of a damn spatula. Not just to be thin, but for the sake of my arteries. And to be thin, too.

At first, when Shon looked at me for dinner, I used every excuse I could come up with to prolong the process. But maybe this was the incentive I needed to get me started on perfecting my skills as the world’s top chef, and get me to eating at home. Plus, it’d save us money and a tighter budget is essential now that I’m more than likely moving in. I’m no Samantha from Sam Vs. Food but I’ve got to admit, I was more than proud that I was able to pull off an entire meal without a fire truck ending up at the apartment. It was a simple collation that only consisted of italian style chicken breasts, creamy corn and baked potatoes but hopefully this will motivate me to try more complex meals. I’m excited.

…and a special shout out to Shon for not only being the first dude to send me a dozen roses just because but being the first person to ever send me flowers, period. Ily.

Three months of mental and emotional misery due to my most recent ordeal with love and I somehow made it out of the heartache alive when I was certain that I was going to die. The anguish still randomly sneaks up on me at times; grief being a fleeting emotion, but it eventually goes away and I’m ok again. We even managed to end amicably, which is a huge relief since the most terrifying part of pursuing a relationship with such a good friend was risking losing that closeness. When you make it out of a battle as horrific and painful as a heartbreak, it’s only natural that people who are going through the same thing look to you for answers on how to get over it. Truthfully, it scares the shit out of me when people seek advice about relationships from such a non-expert such as myself. I’m clueless! Even my blog entries on relationships are full of self-doubt, ‘maybe’s, ‘perhaps’ and me just being inquisitive about this thing we call love. I’m learning with you all, trying to figure it all out just as you are. So here’s what I gathered from my situation…

Love yourself first. Yes, I know…that sounds like the most cliche crock of bullshit ever. I let the same advice fly over my head for years because as confident as I was, I was positive I loved myself enough and couldn’t possibly need to work on that. However, if I really loved myself, I wouldn’t feel the need to prove that I was worth someone just because they weren’t that into me. Instead, I’d laugh it off, write them off as silly, and maybe even feel a bit of sadness over their loss. Why is it important to have a great relationship with yourself first? If you’re thinking you’re not good enough, then when someone isn’t interested, it’s easy to think ‘ok, well I can see why he doesn’t like me because I don’t like me either’. You’ll end up accepting whatever he does decide to give you instead of what you actually deserve.

We’re starting relationships during our most influential years and it’s preventing us from getting to know who we’d be if our morals, ideas, and opinions weren’t based off of those next to us. So don’t be afraid to be single, get to know yourself and build a better relationship with you. Like a wise friend told me, being alone sometimes gives you space to grow. Sometimes it’s hard to grow when you’re too close to someone. Remember that trees are planted far from eachother so they can spread they branches and mature.

Oh and meet the culprit of this pain and growth, who still remains one of my best friends in the entire world, in the video under the cut. He’s going to be huge one day. I also make a short cameo at the end so watch!

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I’m in love with him… but instead of accepting the fact that the feeling isn’t mutual, I feel challenged to pursue him even more. The more he pushes me away, the harder I try. Similar to the way he chased the girl before me when she brushed him off in the same way he shrugged his shoulders at me. With the same disinterested look I give the guy who’s pursuing my heart. Who’s probably also dismissing whoever wants him. It’s one big vicious cycle. Everyone involved wanting what we can not have. Why? Why must we become so intrigued by what’s unattainable to us? Why does the forbidden fruit seem that enticing? Perhaps it’s because relationships at this age are nothing short of huge ego trips.

The fact that someone was genuinely not interested in me was such a direct stab at my own self-worth and pride that when rejected, I felt the need to prove to him that I was worthy. I’m loyal, charismatic, loving, laid back, easy on the eyes and any man who can’t see that must be crazy. When actually faced with this man and his nonchalance towards what I felt for him, my identity was insulted and bruised. ‘What’s wrong with ME?’, I’d ask myself. I thought if only he spent more time with me, he’d realize what a great catch I am. If only given the chance to love him enough, I could make him love me back. So I forced all of that upon him but instead of appreciating the way I loved him, it only smothered him to a point where we couldn’t even end amicably.

Even worse than being on bad terms, the relationship left me feeling very drained and insecure. Though he never demeaned me himself, chasing someone who isn’t effortlessly into you is degrading. Constantly wondering ‘What’s wrong with me?’ caused me to search for the answer myself. I’d look for flaws within my personality and appearance that just may be the reason I wasn’t good enough for him. I ended up despising things about me I never even noticed before. I became the living, breathing version of TLC’s song, ‘Unpretty‘. I still am. Forcing a relationship with someone else potentially destroyed the relationship I have with me.

He told me about girls and how they’re all the same.
They’re all gold diggers and love to play games.
They toy with his mind. Want money and not time.
He then went on to tell me how good girls are hard to find.
And he’s so sick of falling for what a girl pretends to be
‘I wish they’d be less of a bitch and more of a friend to me’
I sat back and listened hoping that he’d have an epiphany
And see the girl he was lookin for was right here within me
He’ll realize I was here the entire time waiting patiently
He’ll say ‘wow love was in my face all along waiting for me’
And finally we could live happily ever after together
Sure it hasn’t happened yet but I’ll hold onto this fantasy forever
Or maybe things could take a turn for the worst
And I could end up with the dude that realized it first

© Alexis Belon

Last night I ran into a friend who happened to be with a girl who was was not the long time girlfiend I know him to have. They flirted and eventually left together.  I hit Ashley up this morning to give her the lastest gossip and we got to talkin about how we were both so certain he was in love with his girlfriend and maybe, just maybe, men really can’t control theirselves. Do men, even when they’re head over heels in love, always eventually desire ‘new pussy’? Not neccessarily BETTER pussy…just somethin’ new? In the same manner that no matter how much you may love it, you’d get tired of eating chicken every night for the rest of your life so you crave beef every now and again. And is the acceptance of such behavior, stupid or smart?

Ashley went on to tell me that there’s a rumor floating around that Will & Jada sleep with other people but ask eachother first and refuse to pretend that it’s not natural to want other people. They won’t forsake all others, but the other would always know first.  I used to think girls who stayed with their cheating boyfriends were retarded but perhaps they’ve got it all figured out. It’s no secret that it’s in a man’s nature to spread his seed but should we accept it just because it’s their basic instinct? And as a woman, I know first hand that the initial pain we feel when we’re cheated on isn’t because he merely had sex with someone else, it’s the being left in the dark and feeling betrayed part that hurts the worst. We fear that along with sex, he was also giving himself to someone emotionally. In fact, I’m not sure that the ‘sex’ aspect of cheating hurts us at all. So wouldn’t having an open relationship be the easy solution to all of this? Maybe, by being honest and open about things like that, relationships can survive.

But after a few hours of arguing with myself about the subject I’ve decided; fuck that! I’ve never seen my father, uncles, brothers or any other man be faithful and I could easily learn from experience and say that expecting any man to be true is unrealistic. But why?! Because it’s in their nature? If we all did what was natural to us, we’d be off in caves somewhere mumbling to eachother. We learn to control most of our basic instincts at a very young age once we realize there are consequences and infidelity shouldn’t be any different. People aren’t going around killing every mickey fickey that pisses us off like we used to because somewhere down the line, we learned we’d get in trouble. It utterly and completely disgusts me that I was ever grateful that a man was ‘atleast honest with me’ about being with other woman. Let’s face it, his honesty stems from a lack of giving a remote fuck. Why not just tell the truth when you know the girl aint going anywhere regardless? We as women need to collectively snap out of this bullshit and stop tolerating less than what we deserve, lowering our standards with every wrong thing he does.

Men are treating us this way because women allow it. Yeah I said it.