I’ve been procrastinating on even attempting any of the things on my list of things I want to start cultivating, especially learning to cook. However, as me and my boyfriend discussed how we both feel like we’re slowly commiting suicide with all this fast food and gas station junk while eating Wendy’s earlier, I knew it was time to take control of my health. The greasiness had us leaning over our tables declaring we had the ‘itis’ and couldn’t possibly walk any further. I mean, have you ever seen someone leave a fast food joint looking happy, perky, or energetic? No. Everyone looks drained, lazy, and sad. Now, I doubt I’ll ever be some health freak because let’s be realistic; I love food. It’s delicious. But I’m vowing to refrain from eating out and to stop being so terrified of a damn spatula. Not just to be thin, but for the sake of my arteries. And to be thin, too.

At first, when Shon looked at me for dinner, I used every excuse I could come up with to prolong the process. But maybe this was the incentive I needed to get me started on perfecting my skills as the world’s top chef, and get me to eating at home. Plus, it’d save us money and a tighter budget is essential now that I’m more than likely moving in. I’m no Samantha from Sam Vs. Food but I’ve got to admit, I was more than proud that I was able to pull off an entire meal without a fire truck ending up at the apartment. It was a simple collation that only consisted of italian style chicken breasts, creamy corn and baked potatoes but hopefully this will motivate me to try more complex meals. I’m excited.

…and a special shout out to Shon for not only being the first dude to send me a dozen roses just because but being the first person to ever send me flowers, period. Ily.

I’m in love with him… but instead of accepting the fact that the feeling isn’t mutual, I feel challenged to pursue him even more. The more he pushes me away, the harder I try. Similar to the way he chased the girl before me when she brushed him off in the same way he shrugged his shoulders at me. With the same disinterested look I give the guy who’s pursuing my heart. Who’s probably also dismissing whoever wants him. It’s one big vicious cycle. Everyone involved wanting what we can not have. Why? Why must we become so intrigued by what’s unattainable to us? Why does the forbidden fruit seem that enticing? Perhaps it’s because relationships at this age are nothing short of huge ego trips.

The fact that someone was genuinely not interested in me was such a direct stab at my own self-worth and pride that when rejected, I felt the need to prove to him that I was worthy. I’m loyal, charismatic, loving, laid back, easy on the eyes and any man who can’t see that must be crazy. When actually faced with this man and his nonchalance towards what I felt for him, my identity was insulted and bruised. ‘What’s wrong with ME?’, I’d ask myself. I thought if only he spent more time with me, he’d realize what a great catch I am. If only given the chance to love him enough, I could make him love me back. So I forced all of that upon him but instead of appreciating the way I loved him, it only smothered him to a point where we couldn’t even end amicably.

Even worse than being on bad terms, the relationship left me feeling very drained and insecure. Though he never demeaned me himself, chasing someone who isn’t effortlessly into you is degrading. Constantly wondering ‘What’s wrong with me?’ caused me to search for the answer myself. I’d look for flaws within my personality and appearance that just may be the reason I wasn’t good enough for him. I ended up despising things about me I never even noticed before. I became the living, breathing version of TLC’s song, ‘Unpretty‘. I still am. Forcing a relationship with someone else potentially destroyed the relationship I have with me.

Although, I’m not too big on Yoko Ono, (yea.. I’m one of those people who blame her for breaking up the Beatles and for them not performing at Woodstock -bitch!-), I do envy the love John had for her and can only pray that one day, someone feels this way about me.  This is one of my favorite questions John was ever asked an interview because his answer was unexpectedly sentimental and endearing. You shouldn’t need to be around the person you love 24/7….but you should want to.

He told me about girls and how they’re all the same.
They’re all gold diggers and love to play games.
They toy with his mind. Want money and not time.
He then went on to tell me how good girls are hard to find.
And he’s so sick of falling for what a girl pretends to be
‘I wish they’d be less of a bitch and more of a friend to me’
I sat back and listened hoping that he’d have an epiphany
And see the girl he was lookin for was right here within me
He’ll realize I was here the entire time waiting patiently
He’ll say ‘wow love was in my face all along waiting for me’
And finally we could live happily ever after together
Sure it hasn’t happened yet but I’ll hold onto this fantasy forever
Or maybe things could take a turn for the worst
And I could end up with the dude that realized it first

© Alexis Belon

I can’t sit here and mistake his infatuation with me for genuine interest.

Sure, he wants to fight every dude that even glances in my direction so much that I avoid being around him in public; but that’s not out of concern, he’s just possessive. And that’s all I am to him – a posession, a prize, a trophy. Something to show off to all his friends and give them that ‘look what I bagged’ look. He’s comparing me to his exes and to him having me is one helluva upgrade. He can’t keep his hands off me but that’s not interest, it’s lust. I can tell you his life story and I know things about him one shouldn’t even know this soon. You know why? Because I am sincerely trying to get to know him… so I ask.

Now go ahead and ask him anything about my parents, my siblings, my hobbies, my interests, my living situation and how I ended up in it. Betcha he’d be stumped. He doesn’t inquire to know anything about me because he just doesn’t give a fuck. Now ask him if he wants me to be his girl. The answer will inevitably be yes. He says “I want you to myself” as if that should bring me comfort. It doesn’t; you just want to own me. But my question is – since when does being conventionally pretty mean I have nothing more to offer than being the eye candy for you arm? I’m more than just a thing to look at, ya’know.

I understand that most people considered beautiful by society’s standards are typically self-absorbed assholes who aren’t working on their character. But some of us are! I am a person, with morals, ideas, opinions, and philosophies that are always changing and you should want to experience this growth with me. If you’re not intrigued by the person I was, the person I am, and the person I’m becoming – then you’re simply not interested in me. Don’t waste my time.

oh! I decided to get back into photography. it’s only a hobby that I do w/a simple point & shoot camera but who knows? it could grow into somethin’ bigger. afterall, i’m a lot better than these fools w/ slrs that their parents bought who take pics of nothing but themselves and food
peep my photography flickr here.