I feel like my blog is a bunch of Carrie Bradshaw-esque columns as opposed to actual updates on what’s happening in my life. I guess that’s why the general consensus of me is so skewed. I usually don’t care what people think of me as long as it’s true but I hate when someones perception of me isn’t the way I actually am. Then again, perhaps being reclusive about what’s personal to me is who I am. Contrary to popular belief, I’m a pretty private person. I never volunteer an explanation to what’s going on in my life. You have to pry for the full story. Most people don’t. Which explains why I feel like most of my relationships with people aren’t reciprocal.

I’m constantly restraining from posting what I want because I’m trying to stick with whatever direction I thought this site was taking. I’m not only limiting myself by ostentatiously thinking things like ‘I can’t post fashion… I’m not a fashion blogger. I’m a writer. And all my entries must be profound.’ but I’m also denying my readers the chance to get to know all aspects of who I am. Yes, I’m a writer… and very analytical. But sometimes I’m completely random, silly and without depth. I want all of it to shine through this creative outlet of mine. Out with the old, and in with the new! Which called for a new layout!

Erm. Kind of. Sort of. Not really. I just edited my old wordpress theme. I came across a few sketches of Gaga one day, hunted down the artist, and found him on deviantart. He turned out to be this really amazing and talented kid from Australia who was more than happy to do a few sketches of me in his unique style. Thanks Scot! Then, the lovely Tiana Chanell offered to vector the drawing when she saw me struggling to find someone to help me with it. I love people who are just willing to help without expecting anything in return. I hope I did your sketch justice, Scot…and I thank you both for being a part of my journey. It’s great to see a simple idea I had in my head come to life, which is exactly what this layout is. I hope to see more of my ideas come to life… on a much grander scale, of course.

(The original drawing.)

Although, I’m not too big on Yoko Ono, (yea.. I’m one of those people who blame her for breaking up the Beatles and for them not performing at Woodstock -bitch!-), I do envy the love John had for her and can only pray that one day, someone feels this way about me.  This is one of my favorite questions John was ever asked an interview because his answer was unexpectedly sentimental and endearing. You shouldn’t need to be around the person you love 24/7….but you should want to.

I’ve always had an issue when it comes to drawing hands and it’s becoming such a burden. It’s just so difficult to capture the true essence of a hand so I always just start giving up when I get to them. And then I end up wanting to rip the entire sketch up because it feels incomplete. Then again an artist never really finishes his work; he merely abandons it.

You’know, even with all the blank stares I’d get all my life when ppl asked what I wanted to do that I’d respond with a simple ‘art’, it never occured to me, not even for a split second, that maybe, it just wouldn’t happen. I look at my father, in all his genuis and can’t help but wonder what his aspirations were at my age, and if he had the slightest clue that it’d never end up that way. I see all these drug addicts in my neighborhood headed nowhere fast and I just know they never foresaw this as their future. As much as people love taunting them for supposedly “choosing” this lifestyle, let’s face it, no child sat there and said ‘hey! when I grow up, I want to be a crackhead’. Nobody plans to be a fuck-up. Life happens. And I wonder if it’s happening to me and maybe I just don’t know it. Because that once confident and certain answer to what I wanted to with the rest of my life ‘art.’ has now turned into a doubtful and shy ‘art?’…

I guess in some way or another, we’re all dependant on someone or something to give us incentive to keep pushing. A lot of folks lean on the love of a parent, a friend, or significant other to help them get by. Some people rely on the stability they’ve gotten so used to and fear stepping outside of their comfort zones. But me? I don’t have any of that. All I ever had to cling to was my dreams. I’ve always been a big dreamer. My family always mocked me with ‘Alexis lives in a fantasy world’ because there was a point in my childhood where you couldn’t keep me from writing stories or poems, drawing, putting on shows or just creating something new everyday. They unsuccessfully tried to make me ashamed of who I was. They would’ve preferred if I was a star athlete, an outstanding student, or something they could brag about to all their friends and be proud of. But I still embraced my imagination and creativity and always knew that those were the things that were going to make me something big one day. I just knew it. With an utmost conviction that only little girls have.

Except, mine lasted well into my adult-hood. I never made a ‘back-up plan’ or ‘plan b’ because I was so sure that whichever one of my artistic ventures I decided to pursue, I’d excel. But recently, ambiguity has crept into my soul like a plague. As I start watching all my friends graduate college and start careers, I start to wonder if I should’ve chosen a field that guaranteed a job? As I watch every member of my family raise their eyebrows with doubt when I try to go on casting calls, I wonder if I’m not as talented as I think I am? I mean, there has to be a reason that the people who are closest to me don’t believe in me and refuse to support me, right? Maybe I should take the safe route and go to school to become a nurse or devote my life to working in the casinos? And maybe I will.

However, I can’t shake this fear that I’ll never live up to my potential. I doubt I’ll ever stop chasing my dreams no matter how ‘unrealistic’ they may seem because they are such a major part of me. My dreams are all I have. If I give up on them, I give up a part of me. Without my dreams, my soul is empty. Sure, it’s a risk. What if it all goes horribly wrong and I end up just another fuck up? Ahhh..but what if it doesn’t?  And that’s a ‘what if’ I just can’t live with. I just imagine what my future could be, ideal in every respect; & then I’ll work every day toward that distant vision, that goal, that purpose…

And just so this isn’t all words, peep how long and lovely my natural hair is getting!