Tribute Video for my biggest inspiration, an Icon; The King of Pop – Michael Jackson.

It’s official – my childhood is over. And it took the death of an icon for me to realize this. The man who was embedded in so many of my childhood memories passed away this Thursday and took a piece of my soul with him. My memories span from Pop (RIP) giving me and my brother, Mario a good spanking at 3 years old when we tried to emulate the dance from ‘The way you make me feel’ and he thought we were “being fresh” humping the floor all the way to practicing the dance to ‘Rock My World’ at 15 years old with my best friend NahTesha at the peak of our friendship. His death hit closer to home than I ever imagined a celebrity death could.

I know it might seem like I’m exaggerating but I know what it’s like to have people all over the world relate to you and see greatness in you and still not have a soul on earth to turn to. I too, deal with issues of self-worth and I know first hand what it means to be consumed with loneliness. I experience what it’s like to suffer from Peter Pan syndrome because you grew up too fast and to find refuge in the innocence of kids because the law of love could be best understood and learned through little children. I too believe that love can heal the world. And of course, I’m misunderstood and I truly believe I can relate to Michael in a way a lot of people can’t. It breaks my heart knowing I’ll never have the opportunity to meet him to let him know what an impact he’s had on my life like I’ve always planned to.

The mainstream media makes me want to vomit focusing on the not-so-great aspects of his life instead of acknowledging and praising all the contributions he made to the entire world. This man single-handedly bridged race, genre and age gaps while also redefining the art of entertainment. He was bringing black and white together before both Barack Obama and Oprah and it’s my belief that neither of them would be where they are if he hadn’t already changed the worlds perception of black people by acting so royally and genuine. Do ya’ll understand dance, music, performances and music videos would not be where it’s at now if it weren’t for him being the innovator? He upped the ante and created the style of dance that can be found in all your favorite artist performances today. He’s the one celebrity in the world that my grandmother, my father and myself will mourn together. And lastly but not least, not only did he use his music as a tool to raise awareness about all the world issues that concerned him – he really put his money where his mouth was and donated millions.

How heart wrenching is it that someone with such great intentions who lead a completely selfless life, giving up all the things we take for granted just to entertain us ended so tragically? A deprived childhood, a society that bullied him, allegations that ruined his reputation, and a level of fame that suffocates you because coping with worldwide fame makes you become reclusive, lonely, cautious and pressured. Then death at a fairly young age? Damn, I just can’t accept that I’m never going to be able to see him live in concert. It was one of those things I just knew I’d do before I died and it breaks my heart that my dreams are shattered. And quite frankly, I’m sad that my children will grow up in a post-michael era and he’ll just be a legend to them… so unborn children – I want you to know – for the first 22 years of my life, I witnessed GREATNESS in it’s purest form. I love you Michael.

It was all gravy at first. Yenno? When I was like 14-17 and all my friends had strict ass parents setting boundaries while I was doing what I wanted, when I wanted…and never having to answer to anyone. All my friends had parents, and although there wasn’t a soul on earth who really gave a fuck about me, I had a luxury none of them had; freedom. It was great. Until I was thrown into the wild and forced to make life altering decisions. Now when all my friends are relying on their parents as they pursue their passions, I’m practically on my knees begging for some sort of guidance.

So when my mother randomly called last week, I left my usual hostility behind and decided to be kind to her. Afterall, hating your parents is so 16. (lol) No, but seriously…when you get older, you realize holding a grudge takes too much energy out of you so you kind of learn to drink some prune juice and just let the shit go. Besides, it’s not my place to punish her; I’ll let the universe handle that. If a few ‘I love you too’s give her some sort of personal satisfaction, so be it! It’s not hurting me. Yeah so she called, we made plans, she let me down…whadidyaexpect?! But the thing is, I just want to call her and say “Mom (yes ‘mom’…a term I’ve never used before!), I need your help”. I feel like pleading to both of my parents. Be the parent & let me be the kid, for once.

It’s time to let it go; the idea of maybe one day having a mother. Or one day her treatin me like a child. Or even one day her realizin she fucked up and just offerin a sincere apology. Let all that shit go. And accept her as Angie, the f***d and p*********e. Someone I’m blood related to and will care for because of that..but not someone I’m obligated to..or is obligated to me. I have to treat her like an associate. I’ll offer her conversation if it’ll get her through the day. But it will never go beyond that.

I’d kill to have gaurdians I could rely on as I go to school. But I’m too busy surviving & taking care of my brothers to focus on building my own future. All I can do is make decisions based off where my heart is and hope I’m not fucking up life.

Being back in Jersey feels like 10 steps backwards. Things that went unnoticed before suddenly strike me as odd. Like this brick ass weather, rats, and how everyone in North Jersey seems to have an attitude. Not having to pump your own gas is cool and all but Jersey is infamous for trappin me in a dark ass hole of complacency and keeping me from making any moves so I can only hope my decision to start all over, (for the umteenth time), in the DMV is the right one. Deuces.