[Blog] But Sometimes I Need to be Ravished

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Any conversation he attempts to make with me is drowned out by the sounds of my own thoughts, which are always elsewhere. The small talk is pointless anyways. Liam knows that I’m not here for love. Because if I were, it certainly wouldn’t be here and with him. He can only seem to handle me sexually. When it comes to emotion , conversation and affection, he’s lost and I’m bored.

But I was hurt by the harsh realization that this is going nowhere fast with the one I actually want. I can’t compete with the women who are actually in his presence during our distance and honestly, I’m not sure I’d be able to even if he were near. He once told me about the reaction he seeks from the people around him when he appears with a girl. ‘Damn, what you ‘bout to do with THAT?’ He needs a trophy; not a free thinker. As most basketball players do. A woman with a price tag on her, consumed by superficiality, not someone too invested in a book to wash her hair. He shames me for the few things I find attractive about myself, my intensity, my passion, my tenderness with words like ‘too sensitive’, ‘too dramatic’, ‘too emotional’.

I feel so stupid about it all. Living my life in a way that considers someone else. Something I’ve never done before. Something that completely backfired as I’m certain it is what turned him off. So I am back here, in Liam’s Bed-Stuy brownstone, trying to rid myself of how foolish I’ve been to be so devoted to someone who I’m likely not even compatible with in an attempt to regain my hedonic nature.

His need to please me allows me to relish in being a lazy lover with him. He’d be wholly satisfied with just tasting the nectar between my legs for a few hours which is usually all I allow him for the mere sake of feeling worshipped. But sometimes I need to be ravished. And he, being far more experienced than I am, understands and takes heed. He can’t bring me to climax, because.. well, because I don’t love him, But I’m fulfilled enough. I wonder if this sort of animalism  is reserved for the men who I don’t see a future with. I imagine being too timid with the man I actually liked to be this uninhibited.  Too  concerned about his pleasure instead of my own. I wonder if love and this sort of sexual indulgence can ever go hand in hand.

But I suppose I’ll never know.

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  • DTYD

    Great read..enjoy your point of view

    [Reply]

    Alexis Belon Reply:

    I appreciate it, thank you.

    [Reply]

    alexisbelon Reply:

    I’m glad you enjoyed!

    [Reply]

  • Javon (Mister Pink)

    In a sense of you being ravished by Liam, you still aren’t and probably will never be satisfied by him. Your thoughts are being consumed by a past love that you once pushed away. What’s the point in continuing something with Liam if your never going to be fully satisfied?

    [Reply]

    Alexis Belon Reply:

    Our union is purely physical. Has never been romantic and never will be. Too consenting adults can easily continue a relationship like that. I don’t get what you mean?

    [Reply]

    alexisbelon Reply:

    What do you mean by ‘continuing something’?

    [Reply]

    Javon (Mister Pink) Reply:

    Meaning whether it’s sexually or just to pass the time by because you aren’t in it for the long run.

    [Reply]

    alexisbelon Reply:

    What’s wrong with continuing something purely sexual even though I’m not in it for the long run?

    Javon (Mister Pink) Reply:

    Actually, nothing is wrong with it. As long as you get what you want and know when to exit. I enjoyed this read. I found myself reading it again and again.

  • Juliana

    This was an amazing read Alexis :)

    Thanks for giving us an insight.

    [Reply]

    alexisbelon Reply:

    What I’m here for <3

    [Reply]

  • boy wonder

    whoa

    [Reply]

  • “I wonder if this sort of animalism is reserved for the men who I don’t see a future with.” I… worry about this all the time & hope against hope that it’s not true, because what kind of life is that?

    [Reply]

    alexisbelon Reply:

    A scary thought isn’t it?

    [Reply]

  • Nomadic Knight

    Deep and honest.

    [Reply]

  • Meadows-Choi

    truth spoken.

    [Reply]

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