It was all gravy at first. Yenno? When I was like 14-17 and all my friends had strict ass parents setting boundaries while I was doing what I wanted, when I wanted…and never having to answer to anyone. All my friends had parents, and although there wasn’t a soul on earth who really gave a fuck about me, I had a luxury none of them had; freedom. It was great. Until I was thrown into the wild and forced to make life altering decisions. Now when all my friends are relying on their parents as they pursue their passions, I’m practically on my knees begging for some sort of guidance.
So when my mother randomly called last week, I left my usual hostility behind and decided to be kind to her. Afterall, hating your parents is so 16. (lol) No, but seriously…when you get older, you realize holding a grudge takes too much energy out of you so you kind of learn to drink some prune juice and just let the shit go. Besides, it’s not my place to punish her; I’ll let the universe handle that. If a few ‘I love you too’s give her some sort of personal satisfaction, so be it! It’s not hurting me. Yeah so she called, we made plans, she let me down…whadidyaexpect?! But the thing is, I just want to call her and say “Mom (yes ‘mom’…a term I’ve never used before!), I need your help”. I feel like pleading to both of my parents. Be the parent & let me be the kid, for once.
It’s time to let it go; the idea of maybe one day having a mother. Or one day her treatin me like a child. Or even one day her realizin she fucked up and just offerin a sincere apology. Let all that shit go. And accept her as Angie, the f***d and p*********e. Someone I’m blood related to and will care for because of that..but not someone I’m obligated to..or is obligated to me. I have to treat her like an associate. I’ll offer her conversation if it’ll get her through the day. But it will never go beyond that.
I’d kill to have gaurdians I could rely on as I go to school. But I’m too busy surviving & taking care of my brothers to focus on building my own future. All I can do is make decisions based off where my heart is and hope I’m not fucking up life.
Being back in Jersey feels like 10 steps backwards. Things that went unnoticed before suddenly strike me as odd. Like this brick ass weather, rats, and how everyone in North Jersey seems to have an attitude. Not having to pump your own gas is cool and all but Jersey is infamous for trappin me in a dark ass hole of complacency and keeping me from making any moves so I can only hope my decision to start all over, (for the umteenth time), in the DMV is the right one. Deuces.
March 19th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
You crazy lol
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March 19th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
lol cute
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March 19th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
That’s Deep!!! Makes U Reflect On Ur Own Life Being Brought Up!!
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March 20th, 2009 at 1:54 am
welcome back. i replied to your tweet the other day asking what help did you need with your site.
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March 20th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
The choices we make in the matrix we call life are what make life what it is… Keep ya head up….
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March 20th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
I understand were ur coming from i wasn’t raised by my biological parents, but my grandmother raised me. When i had my lil gurl mad young I was looking for somebody to help me…but all my biological parents would tell me is that they would pay for the abortion…. that was about almost 4 year and some change ago && now they go crazy around here. I still feel like i can trust them but I’m 21 and like u say ppl grow up … & holding grudges destroyed the soul.
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March 20th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
wait why dont u pump ur own gas? Is it like the 50s where 6 guys run out, change ur oil, pump ur tires and wash ur car all in 5 mins lol?
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March 20th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
You’re not allowed to pump your own gas in New Jersey. It doesn’t matter if it 3:00 a.m., there will be a gas station man waiting to do it for you. The Good Life !!
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March 21st, 2009 at 12:18 am
Sounds like you had/have it rough. Sometimes we have no choice but to except who are parents are and move on with our lives.
Wow, the gas thing is awsome.
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March 21st, 2009 at 4:18 am
Dang; you just made me appreciate my overprotective parents. I still hate my dad though. One day things will get better for you. That is great that you are looking out for your brothers. Your blessing is over the horizon. Just have faith & make the best of everything.
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March 21st, 2009 at 5:51 am
i wish i had a cute blog!
…think positive tho….
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March 21st, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Hey alexis. I know this sounds crazy but life is crazy any way I saw something u said on joe budden tv and wanted to know more about u pardon the way I went about it but I belive in going for what u want. I found u and wow ur more deep then I thought and I dig that. I didn’t put up pics of myself yet because I only got on here to find u which I have done I will put up pics if need be but u can reach me at blancmoneytree@yahoo.com
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March 24th, 2009 at 3:51 am
i dont know if i told you this before but your site is really cute
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April 20th, 2009 at 2:31 am
I feel this way about my Dad….but luckily I was blessed w/ a wonderful (although not perfect) Mom to make up for his fuck ups.
It does suck to have sacrafice your passions for responsibility. I know all about that. We do it cause it’s in our nature though…..and there’s days where in the back of our minds we hope we get some type of repayment…in some way, shape or form….someday.
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May 25th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Damn, that’s was deep! It gave me some food for thought this morning. The Jersey thing is the truth! I’m from there moved away then some how returned:( Madd as hell wtf? I try to stay positive & focused tho cause for me Jersey is Not the place to be I call it a black hole=it jus keeps suckin u back in.
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January 20th, 2010 at 4:21 am
She is a hottie.
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May 10th, 2010 at 4:50 am
I feel the same way….hometown complacency is a problem of mine as well….so im moving too….cali gotta be better than the past….
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