You’know, even with all the blank stares I’d get all my life when ppl asked what I wanted to do that I’d respond with a simple ‘art’, it never occured to me, not even for a split second, that maybe, it just wouldn’t happen. I look at my father, in all his genuis and can’t help but wonder what his aspirations were at my age, and if he had the slightest clue that it’d never end up that way. I see all these drug addicts in my neighborhood headed nowhere fast and I just know they never foresaw this as their future. As much as people love taunting them for supposedly “choosing” this lifestyle, let’s face it, no child sat there and said ‘hey! when I grow up, I want to be a crackhead’. Nobody plans to be a fuck-up. Life happens. And I wonder if it’s happening to me and maybe I just don’t know it. Because that once confident and certain answer to what I wanted to with the rest of my life ‘art.’ has now turned into a doubtful and shy ‘art?’…
I guess in some way or another, we’re all dependant on someone or something to give us incentive to keep pushing. A lot of folks lean on the love of a parent, a friend, or significant other to help them get by. Some people rely on the stability they’ve gotten so used to and fear stepping outside of their comfort zones. But me? I don’t have any of that. All I ever had to cling to was my dreams. I’ve always been a big dreamer. My family always mocked me with ‘Alexis lives in a fantasy world’ because there was a point in my childhood where you couldn’t keep me from writing stories or poems, drawing, putting on shows or just creating something new everyday. They unsuccessfully tried to make me ashamed of who I was. They would’ve preferred if I was a star athlete, an outstanding student, or something they could brag about to all their friends and be proud of. But I still embraced my imagination and creativity and always knew that those were the things that were going to make me something big one day. I just knew it. With an utmost conviction that only little girls have.
Except, mine lasted well into my adult-hood. I never made a ‘back-up plan’ or ‘plan b’ because I was so sure that whichever one of my artistic ventures I decided to pursue, I’d excel. But recently, ambiguity has crept into my soul like a plague. As I start watching all my friends graduate college and start careers, I start to wonder if I should’ve chosen a field that guaranteed a job? As I watch every member of my family raise their eyebrows with doubt when I try to go on casting calls, I wonder if I’m not as talented as I think I am? I mean, there has to be a reason that the people who are closest to me don’t believe in me and refuse to support me, right? Maybe I should take the safe route and go to school to become a nurse or devote my life to working in the casinos? And maybe I will.
However, I can’t shake this fear that I’ll never live up to my potential. I doubt I’ll ever stop chasing my dreams no matter how ‘unrealistic’ they may seem because they are such a major part of me. My dreams are all I have. If I give up on them, I give up a part of me. Without my dreams, my soul is empty. Sure, it’s a risk. What if it all goes horribly wrong and I end up just another fuck up? Ahhh..but what if it doesn’t? And that’s a ‘what if’ I just can’t live with. I just imagine what my future could be, ideal in every respect; & then I’ll work every day toward that distant vision, that goal, that purpose…
And just so this isn’t all words, peep how long and lovely my natural hair is getting!
September 20th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Sometimes we can’t depend on people to believe in us because they don’t believe in themselves.
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September 20th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
i used to go on Buddens page just to link to yours cause i thought you were brutally honest and too funny for your own good, and sometimes contradicted your own shit which made it even more real…but then budden decided to go all Emo and block his page, and the lazy ass i am, at times, refused to make a twiiter accont and figured id never here see your comedic outlook on life, or the random jabs you suddenly started taking at drake (even though you were ridding his nuts tough in the beginning, then jcole comes along and u like who da fuk is drake, where i kno him from, he owe me money?.lol)…anyways things wrk funny, and here i’ am doing shit id never thought i wuld do…i usually sit back and enjoying groupies be groupies or haters be haters on blogs…but you have an amusing personality + you seem chill so keep your head up, do big things, run with the wolves and all that inspirational shit my uncle told me yesterday right after he said i was a fuck up since all my friends graduated last year
but me…i just hope this isnt one of those forever things
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September 20th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
you’re too young to be thinking of your dreams not coming true…. the real thing you have to develop is that sense of focus… you’re talented at all phases of art, but you’re gonna have to focus on the one that gets your foot into the proverbial door, you can’t just be the quintessential Renaissance Woman from jump. And even beyond that, sometimes it DOES take sacrificing a period of time to take a job or two that one doesn’t like as a way of jumpstarting that next phase of the journey toward success. the fact that you’re so resiliant throughout everything is enough to convince that you’ll make it…..
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September 22nd, 2009 at 2:26 pm
i don’t usually respond to anything but upon reading this and following ur tumblr twitter facebook and myspace…eh sounds a lil creepy my bad…but although ur enthusiams seems to have taken a hit for art the passion is there and will always remain, i strived to be a painter comic artist famous graffitti artist rapper poet anything that i thought would help me express myself and due to circumstances out of my control been stuck in a 9-5 forced to put my dream on the back burner but u miss belon have inspired me in so many ways as a true human being true with themselves in their pursuit of love (it hurts but u helped me think its worth tha pain love ur blogs) and with the pursuit of ur dream which inspired me to continue not just doin tats and sketchin but writing again painting again hoping to one day build and who knows make a career out of it because someone like u just won’t give up and i hope u never give up as i watch your journey online and begin mine …thanks lexi in tha sky with diamonds…o yea love the beatles reference dope name
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September 22nd, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Thank Kay, Adan, and Myron. (Although there were some underhanded insults in your comment Adan lol.) All of your comments touch me.
But Peepdaflow, your comment brings me solace. To know I inspired one person in the world to pursue love and their dreams just makes me so freaking happy ! Love is the reason we are here, never give up on it!
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September 22nd, 2009 at 6:31 pm
lol im sooo gassed u responded but ur da best and good looks on the tweet shout out …airhug …lol
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September 22nd, 2009 at 10:55 pm
alexis…
now dont twist my words or take this as an insult, but I do not think you try hard enough. The differance between people and GREAT people is effort. Do you ever wonder why some people are famous? It doesnt even have to be about talent, looks, money, or anything like that. It has to do with your drive. For some reason it does not seem to me like you have made much progress towards your big dreams. Instead of just DREAMING big, DO big. Its really all in the effort. No matter what your situation is now, which I have no clue what it is, there is always a way out. you just cant get too sad about things. But seriously tho, this is in no way meant to be rude or mean. I am on the outside looking in, so you can disregard this if you want. Just seems like you do waaaaay more talking about than being about.
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September 23rd, 2009 at 2:08 am
you know i live to touch you…. lol
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September 24th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Dear Alexis,
I am going through this same thing in my life where I don’t know what to do, I didn’t have a backup plan. I just jumped into everything heads first without thinking. Seeing this makes me feel a bit better about my situation seeing as it’s something we all have to face. All I can say is don’t throw your dreams to the gutter, but at the same time, have a realistic plan. You need something to fall back on. Even then, I bet you know that. =) I wish you the best in your future.
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September 25th, 2009 at 5:48 am
I must say I stopped fuckin with you for a minute, because it seemed though you were losing your “dreamers” edge., and just as Peepdaflow says, its inspiring and many of us out here need to know that we are not alone in our aspirations. My question to who is: Who inspiries those who inspire? Who does the muse look to? I think the best plan B is to see plan A again.
I doubt you will read this book but The Alchemist is a great book that will help you in this time of your life. It helped me find direction and purpse when my suddenly passed away, and everyone looked to me like…”So what you gon do now…”
If you have read it, read it again. Thnx for tapping into a human emotion that people our age can relate too.
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September 25th, 2009 at 5:48 am
I must say I stopped fuckin with you for a minute, because it seemed though you were losing your “dreamers” edge., and just as Peepdaflow says, its inspiring and many of us out here need to know that we are not alone in our aspirations. My question to who is: Who inspiries those who inspire? Who does the muse look to? I think the best plan B is to see plan A again.
I doubt you will read this book but The Alchemist is a great book that will help you in this time of your life. It helped me find direction and purpse when my father suddenly passed away, and everyone looked to me like…”So what you gon do now…”
If you have read it, read it again. Thnx for tapping into a human emotion that people our age can relate too.
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September 25th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Thanks everyone for your comments. Some were really judgemental, ignorant, and derived from false assumptions but some of you offered really constructive criticism and I’m grateful for that.Thank youuuuu ;]
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November 1st, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I feel the same way… but just because I’m the “black sheep” in my family and they don’t understand or necessarily believe in me doesn’t mean I’m giving up on myself. I’ve never had a plan B either and although sometimes I think to myself “what if any of this doesn’t work??” it’s only for a split second and then I snap out of it and back to focusing on the task at hand. I don’t leave myself an option for failure. I’ve done many things in the entertainment/arts industry. I started out as an artist when I was young drawing, had a jewelry business at age 9, then started singing, then started rapping after high school, then started doing custom footwear/clothes/accessories again, then started DJing, then started doing photography and now in some way incorporate all of them under my “Dirty Souf Yankee” umbrella as a reniassance woman. The main thing right now is photography but before that it was customs. They’ve all taken turns in the spotlight… but photography is what;s taking me to the next level right now. It’s not my main passion (music is) but I’m riding with it because it’s still something I love to do and excel at and can open fiinancial and networking doors for me to do/pursue my other creative avenues on a bigger level.
I said all of that to let you know, you’re not the only one. But don’t give up. Ever.
) Most of the people that make it are there because they kept pushing and excelling long after everyone else gave up.
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January 20th, 2010 at 6:07 am
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March 12th, 2010 at 8:44 pm
I cherish this blog, definitely some of the most accessible information i’ve found in a while
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May 10th, 2010 at 4:03 am
I get the same blank stares when i say i wanna be a rapper….i cant bare witness to me bein so much of a childhood dreamer….but i do know that i have been one ever since 10…..its like ever since i discovered who i was….i knew music was apart of that….thats why people like us make no plan b…for me its either be a rapper or be apart of music in some way….the same way i know even if u cant be apart of art like u wish….just bein around it is necessary….its a sad thing tho..because of the fact we live in dreams so much….if reality doesnt match…we dont want 2 live….cuz i see it like this(ranting sorry)…id rather die chasing my dreams than live without them….
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June 20th, 2010 at 1:53 pm
Very interesting, have subscribed to the feed
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