I actually ranted about this on twitter earlier; (which I regret because I promised myself that if a tweet was over 140 characters, it wasn’t worth tweeting) but I’ll happily elaborate for you good ole’ folks. Earlier, I decided that I would start censoring my feelings and emotions on my circumstances and keep them bottled up and only speak out when I had something to boast about. I mean, it seems that’s what everyone else  is doing.  The reason why I came to this conclusion? Well I’m glad you asked, my friend! In the midst of packing my stuff for the inevitable, the fact that I have to move just so happened to be the predominant thought on my mind (understandable right?) so therefore I tweeted about it and how it’s stressing me. I got a million ‘you complain to fucking much’, ‘stfu, kids are walking around naked in Haiti’…geezlueeze!

People were even lashing out and calling me depressed. Yes I have depressed moments, as we all do, but my constant state is far from depressed; I’m actually a pretty content person. I looooove life. When I’m out & about tweeting about how much fun I’m having, no one ever says ‘you having too much fun; stfu’ or ‘you needa stop talking about what a good time you’re having, someone else out there has it better.’ But God for-fucking-BID, I post when I feel down; “All you do is complain.” Duh, I’m complaining, I don’t know where I’m going. Geez. I’m human. I’m allowed to contradict myself. I’m allowed to be happy one day and sad the next.  And it’s purely circumstance that lately,  I happen to have more bad days than good. Give me a break, people !

I watch people on the internet sit there and post a bunch of fashion they can’t afford and probably don’t have the fortitude and determination to actually walk out their house wearing. Day in and day out girls post their sephora and nars collections. Everybody is so quick to say ‘gearing up for friday night’ or ‘shopping with the bestie’ or anything that implies that they’re having a good time and no one ever objects. Apparently, on the internet – everybody’s living a fantabulous life, having amazing sex & I’m the only one with problems. Let me go flaunt my supposed ‘engagement ring’, my macbook, and post about nails and shoes all day – that will make ya’ll happy. According to the internet, ya’ll all lead perfect lives, travel often, stay g’d up from the feet up. Nobody faces financial hardship, struggles w/ healthcare, never had an orgasm, or been in PAIN period. It’s amazing.

Perhaps it’s just not acceptable to post the bad. And if you do, you MUST be seeking sympathy. How come it’s so acceptable to say ‘on my flight to Italy, so excited’ & not ‘paying some bills, depressed’ if theyre both REAL?  And don’t you dare admit to enduring domestic violence, incest, rape, or racism on the internet … all these little ugly things; we’re supposed to turn a blind eye to and pretend we’re not going through. Not just on the internet, in real life. Well I refuse, because to me, THAT is fake. I want to continue to stay real amidst a society that’s so materialistic. When you tell the truth, you get free. And you give onlookers the courage to get free too. I’m really living what I post, are you?

Feel free to discuss, please. I want other’s opinons.

Although, I’m not too big on Yoko Ono, (yea.. I’m one of those people who blame her for breaking up the Beatles and for them not performing at Woodstock -bitch!-), I do envy the love John had for her and can only pray that one day, someone feels this way about me.  This is one of my favorite questions John was ever asked an interview because his answer was unexpectedly sentimental and endearing. You shouldn’t need to be around the person you love 24/7….but you should want to.

Oh what an honor it used to be; to be the one female you’d call upon during your most trying times to comfort you.  I used to feel so special rubbing your head as you confessed your deepest pains and fears. But as fun as being the girl who sits on the sidelines of all your daily rituals, like playin ball at the courts, streetfighter tournaments, and high freestyle sessions may be, it also has quite a few drawbacks. Sure I may get to be myself, just ‘one of the guys”, but what incentive do you have to romance me,  to be as intrigued by me as you are by that girl you’re “still not over” or are currently chasing after when you know that I enjoy your company enough to accept just goofin’ off around the crib just as long as we’re together? So sick of discovering after I give you my all that you’re just not ready, still have baggage you’re dealing with or just aren’t  looking to settle down. And frankly, hearing that you ‘value my friendship too much to ever risk fucking it up’ is a crock of shit. Because if the right person came along, anyone would be willing to settle down. Let’s face it, its not that you don’t wanna be with anyone, its that you don’t want to be with me.

“All girls ever want is for guys to spend money on em, they don’t know what they want, they all like mind games – blah fucking blah” You continued talking like that in the car yesterday as if I’m not even a female. How painful it was hearing you whine about how its so hard to find intelligent, genuine, sweet, REAL girls these days when I really wanted to scream ”I’m right here!” You sat there and listed all the characteristics you wish you could find in a girl completely oblivious to the fact that the girl you were desribing was sitting directly across from you praying a light bulb would go off and you’d realize it.  And then it hit me. Our closeness has reached such a level of comfort that I’m pretty sure I’ve been placed in the comfy friend zone for good. Another one bites the dust. How does this always happen with the dudes that I really like?! Always the best friend and nothing more.

They say you can’t turn a bad girl good…
But once a good girls gone bad, she’s gone forever.
You’ll mourn forever. Shit, you gotta live with the fact you did me wrong forever.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Dear Drizzy,

This relationship is moving too damn fast. I mean, I just got into your music a year ago and as soon as I hold you dear to my heart as my new favorite underground artist, you wanna drop a mixtape that shoots you straight to the top. It was too overwhelming to go from being one of the few to actually know of you to hearing 3 of your songs in a row every friday night on hot97. You started popping up everywhere. All my friends away messages, statuses, ‘every girl’ was rockin in the clubs, I couldn’t escape you. Then you have the fucking nerve to start booking interviews and shit? You’re fuckin smothering me Drake, let me breathe! And how dare you walk in the studio while I’m in there all willy nilly knowing I’ve been obsessing over your music for the past year? I can’t believe you. Then you looked at me with them sad puppy eyes like you expected me to say something knowing damn well I wasn’t prepared to take this big step in our relationship. Of course I was stuck on stupid! You completely caught me off gaurd and I froze. I blew it. But it’s ok, you’ll be back. And next time, there will be no choking.

xoxo,
alexis b.

It was all gravy at first. Yenno? When I was like 14-17 and all my friends had strict ass parents setting boundaries while I was doing what I wanted, when I wanted…and never having to answer to anyone. All my friends had parents, and although there wasn’t a soul on earth who really gave a fuck about me, I had a luxury none of them had; freedom. It was great. Until I was thrown into the wild and forced to make life altering decisions. Now when all my friends are relying on their parents as they pursue their passions, I’m practically on my knees begging for some sort of guidance.

So when my mother randomly called last week, I left my usual hostility behind and decided to be kind to her. Afterall, hating your parents is so 16. (lol) No, but seriously…when you get older, you realize holding a grudge takes too much energy out of you so you kind of learn to drink some prune juice and just let the shit go. Besides, it’s not my place to punish her; I’ll let the universe handle that. If a few ‘I love you too’s give her some sort of personal satisfaction, so be it! It’s not hurting me. Yeah so she called, we made plans, she let me down…whadidyaexpect?! But the thing is, I just want to call her and say “Mom (yes ‘mom’…a term I’ve never used before!), I need your help”. I feel like pleading to both of my parents. Be the parent & let me be the kid, for once.

It’s time to let it go; the idea of maybe one day having a mother. Or one day her treatin me like a child. Or even one day her realizin she fucked up and just offerin a sincere apology. Let all that shit go. And accept her as Angie, the f***d and p*********e. Someone I’m blood related to and will care for because of that..but not someone I’m obligated to..or is obligated to me. I have to treat her like an associate. I’ll offer her conversation if it’ll get her through the day. But it will never go beyond that.

I’d kill to have gaurdians I could rely on as I go to school. But I’m too busy surviving & taking care of my brothers to focus on building my own future. All I can do is make decisions based off where my heart is and hope I’m not fucking up life.

Being back in Jersey feels like 10 steps backwards. Things that went unnoticed before suddenly strike me as odd. Like this brick ass weather, rats, and how everyone in North Jersey seems to have an attitude. Not having to pump your own gas is cool and all but Jersey is infamous for trappin me in a dark ass hole of complacency and keeping me from making any moves so I can only hope my decision to start all over, (for the umteenth time), in the DMV is the right one. Deuces.