Tribute Video for my biggest inspiration, an Icon; The King of Pop – Michael Jackson.

It’s official – my childhood is over. And it took the death of an icon for me to realize this. The man who was embedded in so many of my childhood memories passed away this Thursday and took a piece of my soul with him. My memories span from Pop (RIP) giving me and my brother, Mario a good spanking at 3 years old when we tried to emulate the dance from ‘The way you make me feel’ and he thought we were “being fresh” humping the floor all the way to practicing the dance to ‘Rock My World’ at 15 years old with my best friend NahTesha at the peak of our friendship. His death hit closer to home than I ever imagined a celebrity death could.

I know it might seem like I’m exaggerating but I know what it’s like to have people all over the world relate to you and see greatness in you and still not have a soul on earth to turn to. I too, deal with issues of self-worth and I know first hand what it means to be consumed with loneliness. I experience what it’s like to suffer from Peter Pan syndrome because you grew up too fast and to find refuge in the innocence of kids because the law of love could be best understood and learned through little children. I too believe that love can heal the world. And of course, I’m misunderstood and I truly believe I can relate to Michael in a way a lot of people can’t. It breaks my heart knowing I’ll never have the opportunity to meet him to let him know what an impact he’s had on my life like I’ve always planned to.

The mainstream media makes me want to vomit focusing on the not-so-great aspects of his life instead of acknowledging and praising all the contributions he made to the entire world. This man single-handedly bridged race, genre and age gaps while also redefining the art of entertainment. He was bringing black and white together before both Barack Obama and Oprah and it’s my belief that neither of them would be where they are if he hadn’t already changed the worlds perception of black people by acting so royally and genuine. Do ya’ll understand dance, music, performances and music videos would not be where it’s at now if it weren’t for him being the innovator? He upped the ante and created the style of dance that can be found in all your favorite artist performances today. He’s the one celebrity in the world that my grandmother, my father and myself will mourn together. And lastly but not least, not only did he use his music as a tool to raise awareness about all the world issues that concerned him – he really put his money where his mouth was and donated millions.

How heart wrenching is it that someone with such great intentions who lead a completely selfless life, giving up all the things we take for granted just to entertain us ended so tragically? A deprived childhood, a society that bullied him, allegations that ruined his reputation, and a level of fame that suffocates you because coping with worldwide fame makes you become reclusive, lonely, cautious and pressured. Then death at a fairly young age? Damn, I just can’t accept that I’m never going to be able to see him live in concert. It was one of those things I just knew I’d do before I died and it breaks my heart that my dreams are shattered. And quite frankly, I’m sad that my children will grow up in a post-michael era and he’ll just be a legend to them… so unborn children – I want you to know – for the first 22 years of my life, I witnessed GREATNESS in it’s purest form. I love you Michael.

Oh what an honor it used to be; to be the one female you’d call upon during your most trying times to comfort you.  I used to feel so special rubbing your head as you confessed your deepest pains and fears. But as fun as being the girl who sits on the sidelines of all your daily rituals, like playin ball at the courts, streetfighter tournaments, and high freestyle sessions may be, it also has quite a few drawbacks. Sure I may get to be myself, just ‘one of the guys”, but what incentive do you have to romance me,  to be as intrigued by me as you are by that girl you’re “still not over” or are currently chasing after when you know that I enjoy your company enough to accept just goofin’ off around the crib just as long as we’re together? So sick of discovering after I give you my all that you’re just not ready, still have baggage you’re dealing with or just aren’t  looking to settle down. And frankly, hearing that you ‘value my friendship too much to ever risk fucking it up’ is a crock of shit. Because if the right person came along, anyone would be willing to settle down. Let’s face it, its not that you don’t wanna be with anyone, its that you don’t want to be with me.

“All girls ever want is for guys to spend money on em, they don’t know what they want, they all like mind games – blah fucking blah” You continued talking like that in the car yesterday as if I’m not even a female. How painful it was hearing you whine about how its so hard to find intelligent, genuine, sweet, REAL girls these days when I really wanted to scream ”I’m right here!” You sat there and listed all the characteristics you wish you could find in a girl completely oblivious to the fact that the girl you were desribing was sitting directly across from you praying a light bulb would go off and you’d realize it.  And then it hit me. Our closeness has reached such a level of comfort that I’m pretty sure I’ve been placed in the comfy friend zone for good. Another one bites the dust. How does this always happen with the dudes that I really like?! Always the best friend and nothing more.

They say you can’t turn a bad girl good…
But once a good girls gone bad, she’s gone forever.
You’ll mourn forever. Shit, you gotta live with the fact you did me wrong forever.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

When she needed you the most you came running to her rescue
Found her layin on the floor vulnerable, insecure and lost
Looked down and said ‘don’t worry little one, I’ll protect you’
And a once warm and welcoming heart quickly turned to frost

She built you up in hopes that someone would knock you down
And every other brick was a reminder of the pain
But the person she hoped would come along has not been found
So she only hopes she didn’t do it all in vain.

You kick her when she opens up and encourage her with every man she rejects
So she tries to push you away and let you know how much she hates you
For allowing you to grow so strong that it fills her soul with regrets
And now although she wants to, she can’t seem to escape you

You keep her sheltered  because you know the ways love could harm her
But being consumed with lonelieness also makes her suffer
She’s confined in solitude so what good is all the armor
If all it does is prevent anyone from ever being able to love her?

© alexis b.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They don’t ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like ‘Maybe we should just be friends’ or ‘How very perceptive’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love

-— Neil Gaiman

I wasn’t looking for him, I just sorta, stumbled upon him. It was just an infatuation at first. – I used to confuse love and infatuation. I thought being in love with someone meant you felt that initial passion you felt when y’all first met. Now I realize infatuation is just that. True love, soul mate love is not a fiery feeling. It’s like a warm blanket. It’s soothing, not stimulating, although you’ll often feel quite stimulated with that person. It comforts you regardless of what’s going on in your life. – But even with all that compatibility in the air, I was already too comfortable just being all alone so I brushed him off more than once. Then he came a long and made me believe in myself again. And I don’t mean that in the ‘tryna change me’ type of way, he just makes me better. Not intentionally. He probably doesn’t even recognize the change in me since his presence in my life. But there is a major one. He makes me want to be more like me and brings out the best in my artistry. And I have never been so comfortable being just that.

It’s different this time around. I don’t feel that overwhelming yet superficial desire to broadcast this everywhere with ‘i love ____’ t-shirts and albums on myspace titled ’030109′ because I know our connection is real and there’s no need to prove it to the world. See, because this time, it’s not a feeling of ‘omg I’ll just DIE if I lose him’…I won’t…but it’s more of a feeling of completion. I’m content. I’m not paranoid about ‘us’ failing, because if and when we do, no matter how it ends, it’s okay, I can never regret it. Because he saw a light in me that I couldn’t even see, and he pushed it to shine brighter than I ever could’ve.

…There’s another kind of love. One that gives you the courage to be better than you are, not less than you are. One that makes you feel that anything is possible. I want you to know that you could have that. I want you to hold out for it….