I’m in love with him… but instead of accepting the fact that the feeling isn’t mutual, I feel challenged to pursue him even more. The more he pushes me away, the harder I try. Similar to the way he chased the girl before me when she brushed him off in the same way he shrugged his shoulders at me. With the same disinterested look I give the guy who’s pursuing my heart. Who’s probably also dismissing whoever wants him. It’s one big vicious cycle. Everyone involved wanting what we can not have. Why? Why must we become so intrigued by what’s unattainable to us? Why does the forbidden fruit seem that enticing? Perhaps it’s because relationships at this age are nothing short of huge ego trips.

The fact that someone was genuinely not interested in me was such a direct stab at my own self-worth and pride that when rejected, I felt the need to prove to him that I was worthy. I’m loyal, charismatic, loving, laid back, easy on the eyes and any man who can’t see that must be crazy. When actually faced with this man and his nonchalance towards what I felt for him, my identity was insulted and bruised. ‘What’s wrong with ME?’, I’d ask myself. I thought if only he spent more time with me, he’d realize what a great catch I am. If only given the chance to love him enough, I could make him love me back. So I forced all of that upon him but instead of appreciating the way I loved him, it only smothered him to a point where we couldn’t even end amicably.

Even worse than being on bad terms, the relationship left me feeling very drained and insecure. Though he never demeaned me himself, chasing someone who isn’t effortlessly into you is degrading. Constantly wondering ‘What’s wrong with me?’ caused me to search for the answer myself. I’d look for flaws within my personality and appearance that just may be the reason I wasn’t good enough for him. I ended up despising things about me I never even noticed before. I became the living, breathing version of TLC’s song, ‘Unpretty‘. I still am. Forcing a relationship with someone else potentially destroyed the relationship I have with me.

Although, I’m not too big on Yoko Ono, (yea.. I’m one of those people who blame her for breaking up the Beatles and for them not performing at Woodstock -bitch!-), I do envy the love John had for her and can only pray that one day, someone feels this way about me.  This is one of my favorite questions John was ever asked an interview because his answer was unexpectedly sentimental and endearing. You shouldn’t need to be around the person you love 24/7….but you should want to.

He told me about girls and how they’re all the same.
They’re all gold diggers and love to play games.
They toy with his mind. Want money and not time.
He then went on to tell me how good girls are hard to find.
And he’s so sick of falling for what a girl pretends to be
‘I wish they’d be less of a bitch and more of a friend to me’
I sat back and listened hoping that he’d have an epiphany
And see the girl he was lookin for was right here within me
He’ll realize I was here the entire time waiting patiently
He’ll say ‘wow love was in my face all along waiting for me’
And finally we could live happily ever after together
Sure it hasn’t happened yet but I’ll hold onto this fantasy forever
Or maybe things could take a turn for the worst
And I could end up with the dude that realized it first

© Alexis Belon

I can’t sit here and mistake his infatuation with me for genuine interest.

Sure, he wants to fight every dude that even glances in my direction so much that I avoid being around him in public; but that’s not out of concern, he’s just possessive. And that’s all I am to him – a posession, a prize, a trophy. Something to show off to all his friends and give them that ‘look what I bagged’ look. He’s comparing me to his exes and to him having me is one helluva upgrade. He can’t keep his hands off me but that’s not interest, it’s lust. I can tell you his life story and I know things about him one shouldn’t even know this soon. You know why? Because I am sincerely trying to get to know him… so I ask.

Now go ahead and ask him anything about my parents, my siblings, my hobbies, my interests, my living situation and how I ended up in it. Betcha he’d be stumped. He doesn’t inquire to know anything about me because he just doesn’t give a fuck. Now ask him if he wants me to be his girl. The answer will inevitably be yes. He says “I want you to myself” as if that should bring me comfort. It doesn’t; you just want to own me. But my question is – since when does being conventionally pretty mean I have nothing more to offer than being the eye candy for you arm? I’m more than just a thing to look at, ya’know.

I understand that most people considered beautiful by society’s standards are typically self-absorbed assholes who aren’t working on their character. But some of us are! I am a person, with morals, ideas, opinions, and philosophies that are always changing and you should want to experience this growth with me. If you’re not intrigued by the person I was, the person I am, and the person I’m becoming – then you’re simply not interested in me. Don’t waste my time.

oh! I decided to get back into photography. it’s only a hobby that I do w/a simple point & shoot camera but who knows? it could grow into somethin’ bigger. afterall, i’m a lot better than these fools w/ slrs that their parents bought who take pics of nothing but themselves and food
peep my photography flickr here.

Last night I ran into a friend who happened to be with a girl who was was not the long time girlfiend I know him to have. They flirted and eventually left together.  I hit Ashley up this morning to give her the lastest gossip and we got to talkin about how we were both so certain he was in love with his girlfriend and maybe, just maybe, men really can’t control theirselves. Do men, even when they’re head over heels in love, always eventually desire ‘new pussy’? Not neccessarily BETTER pussy…just somethin’ new? In the same manner that no matter how much you may love it, you’d get tired of eating chicken every night for the rest of your life so you crave beef every now and again. And is the acceptance of such behavior, stupid or smart?

Ashley went on to tell me that there’s a rumor floating around that Will & Jada sleep with other people but ask eachother first and refuse to pretend that it’s not natural to want other people. They won’t forsake all others, but the other would always know first.  I used to think girls who stayed with their cheating boyfriends were retarded but perhaps they’ve got it all figured out. It’s no secret that it’s in a man’s nature to spread his seed but should we accept it just because it’s their basic instinct? And as a woman, I know first hand that the initial pain we feel when we’re cheated on isn’t because he merely had sex with someone else, it’s the being left in the dark and feeling betrayed part that hurts the worst. We fear that along with sex, he was also giving himself to someone emotionally. In fact, I’m not sure that the ‘sex’ aspect of cheating hurts us at all. So wouldn’t having an open relationship be the easy solution to all of this? Maybe, by being honest and open about things like that, relationships can survive.

But after a few hours of arguing with myself about the subject I’ve decided; fuck that! I’ve never seen my father, uncles, brothers or any other man be faithful and I could easily learn from experience and say that expecting any man to be true is unrealistic. But why?! Because it’s in their nature? If we all did what was natural to us, we’d be off in caves somewhere mumbling to eachother. We learn to control most of our basic instincts at a very young age once we realize there are consequences and infidelity shouldn’t be any different. People aren’t going around killing every mickey fickey that pisses us off like we used to because somewhere down the line, we learned we’d get in trouble. It utterly and completely disgusts me that I was ever grateful that a man was ‘atleast honest with me’ about being with other woman. Let’s face it, his honesty stems from a lack of giving a remote fuck. Why not just tell the truth when you know the girl aint going anywhere regardless? We as women need to collectively snap out of this bullshit and stop tolerating less than what we deserve, lowering our standards with every wrong thing he does.

Men are treating us this way because women allow it. Yeah I said it.