You’know, even with all the blank stares I’d get all my life when ppl asked what I wanted to do that I’d respond with a simple ‘art’, it never occured to me, not even for a split second, that maybe, it just wouldn’t happen. I look at my father, in all his genuis and can’t help but wonder what his aspirations were at my age, and if he had the slightest clue that it’d never end up that way. I see all these drug addicts in my neighborhood headed nowhere fast and I just know they never foresaw this as their future. As much as people love taunting them for supposedly “choosing” this lifestyle, let’s face it, no child sat there and said ‘hey! when I grow up, I want to be a crackhead’. Nobody plans to be a fuck-up. Life happens. And I wonder if it’s happening to me and maybe I just don’t know it. Because that once confident and certain answer to what I wanted to with the rest of my life ‘art.’ has now turned into a doubtful and shy ‘art?’…

I guess in some way or another, we’re all dependant on someone or something to give us incentive to keep pushing. A lot of folks lean on the love of a parent, a friend, or significant other to help them get by. Some people rely on the stability they’ve gotten so used to and fear stepping outside of their comfort zones. But me? I don’t have any of that. All I ever had to cling to was my dreams. I’ve always been a big dreamer. My family always mocked me with ‘Alexis lives in a fantasy world’ because there was a point in my childhood where you couldn’t keep me from writing stories or poems, drawing, putting on shows or just creating something new everyday. They unsuccessfully tried to make me ashamed of who I was. They would’ve preferred if I was a star athlete, an outstanding student, or something they could brag about to all their friends and be proud of. But I still embraced my imagination and creativity and always knew that those were the things that were going to make me something big one day. I just knew it. With an utmost conviction that only little girls have.

Except, mine lasted well into my adult-hood. I never made a ‘back-up plan’ or ‘plan b’ because I was so sure that whichever one of my artistic ventures I decided to pursue, I’d excel. But recently, ambiguity has crept into my soul like a plague. As I start watching all my friends graduate college and start careers, I start to wonder if I should’ve chosen a field that guaranteed a job? As I watch every member of my family raise their eyebrows with doubt when I try to go on casting calls, I wonder if I’m not as talented as I think I am? I mean, there has to be a reason that the people who are closest to me don’t believe in me and refuse to support me, right? Maybe I should take the safe route and go to school to become a nurse or devote my life to working in the casinos? And maybe I will.

However, I can’t shake this fear that I’ll never live up to my potential. I doubt I’ll ever stop chasing my dreams no matter how ‘unrealistic’ they may seem because they are such a major part of me. My dreams are all I have. If I give up on them, I give up a part of me. Without my dreams, my soul is empty. Sure, it’s a risk. What if it all goes horribly wrong and I end up just another fuck up? Ahhh..but what if it doesn’t?  And that’s a ‘what if’ I just can’t live with. I just imagine what my future could be, ideal in every respect; & then I’ll work every day toward that distant vision, that goal, that purpose…

And just so this isn’t all words, peep how long and lovely my natural hair is getting!

Last night I ran into a friend who happened to be with a girl who was was not the long time girlfiend I know him to have. They flirted and eventually left together.  I hit Ashley up this morning to give her the lastest gossip and we got to talkin about how we were both so certain he was in love with his girlfriend and maybe, just maybe, men really can’t control theirselves. Do men, even when they’re head over heels in love, always eventually desire ‘new pussy’? Not neccessarily BETTER pussy…just somethin’ new? In the same manner that no matter how much you may love it, you’d get tired of eating chicken every night for the rest of your life so you crave beef every now and again. And is the acceptance of such behavior, stupid or smart?

Ashley went on to tell me that there’s a rumor floating around that Will & Jada sleep with other people but ask eachother first and refuse to pretend that it’s not natural to want other people. They won’t forsake all others, but the other would always know first.  I used to think girls who stayed with their cheating boyfriends were retarded but perhaps they’ve got it all figured out. It’s no secret that it’s in a man’s nature to spread his seed but should we accept it just because it’s their basic instinct? And as a woman, I know first hand that the initial pain we feel when we’re cheated on isn’t because he merely had sex with someone else, it’s the being left in the dark and feeling betrayed part that hurts the worst. We fear that along with sex, he was also giving himself to someone emotionally. In fact, I’m not sure that the ‘sex’ aspect of cheating hurts us at all. So wouldn’t having an open relationship be the easy solution to all of this? Maybe, by being honest and open about things like that, relationships can survive.

But after a few hours of arguing with myself about the subject I’ve decided; fuck that! I’ve never seen my father, uncles, brothers or any other man be faithful and I could easily learn from experience and say that expecting any man to be true is unrealistic. But why?! Because it’s in their nature? If we all did what was natural to us, we’d be off in caves somewhere mumbling to eachother. We learn to control most of our basic instincts at a very young age once we realize there are consequences and infidelity shouldn’t be any different. People aren’t going around killing every mickey fickey that pisses us off like we used to because somewhere down the line, we learned we’d get in trouble. It utterly and completely disgusts me that I was ever grateful that a man was ‘atleast honest with me’ about being with other woman. Let’s face it, his honesty stems from a lack of giving a remote fuck. Why not just tell the truth when you know the girl aint going anywhere regardless? We as women need to collectively snap out of this bullshit and stop tolerating less than what we deserve, lowering our standards with every wrong thing he does.

Men are treating us this way because women allow it. Yeah I said it.

Honestly, this was the greatest memorial of all time for the greatest entertainer of all time but I was keeping my eye on the kids throughout the entire ceremony. I noticed how Paris seemed to be the most overtly hurt, the one child who understood the magnitude of who her father was and his mark on history. It takes a daddy’s girl to know one and I could tell how much she loved him by how intuned to the entire ceremoney she was. However, I didn’t expect 11 yr old Paris Michael Katherine Jackson to hit the stage at the end and I sure couldn’t foresee that this 30 second speech would tug at my heart that hard. If you weren’t already crying throughout the entire ceremony, you were then. Nothing in that 2 hour funeral touched me as much as that little girl speaking. I immediately texted my father with her words but then I started thinking about how lucky I am to have the opportunity to tell the man who raised me I appreciate him. So I called him to tell him “Ever since I was born…you’ve been the best daddy I could ever imagine” which proved to be harder than I expected because I ended up breaking down and crying. But I’m glad I did. And I hope you all realize, the greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they’re alive.

-To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

-To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

-To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

-To look at the sunny side of everything and make  your optimism come true.

-To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

-To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

-To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

-To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.

-To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

-To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

-To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

-To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

I do.

It was all gravy at first. Yenno? When I was like 14-17 and all my friends had strict ass parents setting boundaries while I was doing what I wanted, when I wanted…and never having to answer to anyone. All my friends had parents, and although there wasn’t a soul on earth who really gave a fuck about me, I had a luxury none of them had; freedom. It was great. Until I was thrown into the wild and forced to make life altering decisions. Now when all my friends are relying on their parents as they pursue their passions, I’m practically on my knees begging for some sort of guidance.

So when my mother randomly called last week, I left my usual hostility behind and decided to be kind to her. Afterall, hating your parents is so 16. (lol) No, but seriously…when you get older, you realize holding a grudge takes too much energy out of you so you kind of learn to drink some prune juice and just let the shit go. Besides, it’s not my place to punish her; I’ll let the universe handle that. If a few ‘I love you too’s give her some sort of personal satisfaction, so be it! It’s not hurting me. Yeah so she called, we made plans, she let me down…whadidyaexpect?! But the thing is, I just want to call her and say “Mom (yes ‘mom’…a term I’ve never used before!), I need your help”. I feel like pleading to both of my parents. Be the parent & let me be the kid, for once.

It’s time to let it go; the idea of maybe one day having a mother. Or one day her treatin me like a child. Or even one day her realizin she fucked up and just offerin a sincere apology. Let all that shit go. And accept her as Angie, the f***d and p*********e. Someone I’m blood related to and will care for because of that..but not someone I’m obligated to..or is obligated to me. I have to treat her like an associate. I’ll offer her conversation if it’ll get her through the day. But it will never go beyond that.

I’d kill to have gaurdians I could rely on as I go to school. But I’m too busy surviving & taking care of my brothers to focus on building my own future. All I can do is make decisions based off where my heart is and hope I’m not fucking up life.

Being back in Jersey feels like 10 steps backwards. Things that went unnoticed before suddenly strike me as odd. Like this brick ass weather, rats, and how everyone in North Jersey seems to have an attitude. Not having to pump your own gas is cool and all but Jersey is infamous for trappin me in a dark ass hole of complacency and keeping me from making any moves so I can only hope my decision to start all over, (for the umteenth time), in the DMV is the right one. Deuces.