I’m in love with him… but instead of accepting the fact that the feeling isn’t mutual, I feel challenged to pursue him even more. The more he pushes me away, the harder I try. Similar to the way he chased the girl before me when she brushed him off in the same way he shrugged his shoulders at me. With the same disinterested look I give the guy who’s pursuing my heart. Who’s probably also dismissing whoever wants him. It’s one big vicious cycle. Everyone involved wanting what we can not have. Why? Why must we become so intrigued by what’s unattainable to us? Why does the forbidden fruit seem that enticing? Perhaps it’s because relationships at this age are nothing short of huge ego trips.
The fact that someone was genuinely not interested in me was such a direct stab at my own self-worth and pride that when rejected, I felt the need to prove to him that I was worthy. I’m loyal, charismatic, loving, laid back, easy on the eyes and any man who can’t see that must be crazy. When actually faced with this man and his nonchalance towards what I felt for him, my identity was insulted and bruised. ‘What’s wrong with ME?’, I’d ask myself. I thought if only he spent more time with me, he’d realize what a great catch I am. If only given the chance to love him enough, I could make him love me back. So I forced all of that upon him but instead of appreciating the way I loved him, it only smothered him to a point where we couldn’t even end amicably.
Even worse than being on bad terms, the relationship left me feeling very drained and insecure. Though he never demeaned me himself, chasing someone who isn’t effortlessly into you is degrading. Constantly wondering ‘What’s wrong with me?’ caused me to search for the answer myself. I’d look for flaws within my personality and appearance that just may be the reason I wasn’t good enough for him. I ended up despising things about me I never even noticed before. I became the living, breathing version of TLC’s song, ‘Unpretty‘. I still am. Forcing a relationship with someone else potentially destroyed the relationship I have with me.









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