*thanks to Joyce for helping me come to this revelation & inspiring this post. ilu.
I never can admit that I’m wrong; ever. Mostly because I don’t believe that I’m ever wrong but on the off chance that I am, I’m incredibly manipulative enough to twist and turn the situation until you believe I’m right. I could convince you the sky was red if I wanted. I spent my entire teenage years playing the diplomatic girl who seemed to manage to stay friends with everyone amidst all the drama when in reality, I was the one starting it all. I’ve also always been exceptionally good at making people feel subordinate because I believe I’m so fucking above everyone else. The music I listen to is the best, the food I eat is the best, the clubs I go to are the best, the books I read are the best and anything contrary to this is by some means beneath me. I’m so beautiful, well-rounded, intelligent, passionate and everyone else needs to step their game up or “get on my level”. Ironically, I hate pretentious people.
I’ve been ‘the other woman’ before. I was just young, dumb and full of cum. It was a mistake, but not a drunken one night mistake, a long two year mistake that I’ll forever regret. I’m far too available to men. Particularly, emotionally unavailable men. I am, by no means, easy… but when I like someone, I give them my all. Possibly why no one wants me; nobody wants something they don’t have to earn. I don’t make friends easily, only because I find most people too be completely moronic but even when I do make some, I don’t keep them. I haven’t called my “best friend” in nearly a year. My biggest fear is that I won’t live up to my potential and yet I continue to let opportunities pass me by. I am so lazy and such a wasted talent. I’m very envious, not of what I can’t have, but mostly what I know I am capable of. These are my confessions. I’ve never seen them fully written, staring so contemptuously back at me. I’m validating them, making them real by writing them down and acknowledging that I need to change in order for myself to grow.
There’s this false sense of self-righteousness bloggers tend to feel because so many of our loyal readers jump to our defense and agree w/ everything we say. I’m not implying that our avid readers are “brainwashed” but since they’re drawn to our small space on the web, they probably share many common interests with us and therefore a lot of the same opinions. That’s the flaw in this particular form of self-expression. Bias. It’s nearly impossible to have a progressive debate on any site when the general consensus of whatever the topic is will always lean towards the bloggers argument. It prevents us from taking constructive criticism and growing from it and we lack the ability to consider another point of view which I think is a flaw. So we walk around with our nose in the air because everytime someone dared to disagree with us, we had a bunch of cheerleaders backing us up and therefore we must be right, we must be perfect… Well I’m not perfect and I’d rather not continue on without recognizing there’s things that I need to change to be a better person…
So what are your flaws? What are some things you’d like to change about yourself? What’s some things you think I need to change about myself? And remember, there’s a difference between constructive criticism and being a douchebag.
April 26th, 2010 at 5:50 am
There are tons of things I’d love to change about myself. Things like being able to express myself without coming off as the over opinionated bitch, or the person who constantly looks at things realistically constantly instead of appreciating some of the greater things in life. Although I’d love to change these some of these flaws about deep down I honestly feel like if I was supposed to be different in those senses I would’ve been like that from the get go. We’re always too busy trying to figuring out and changing our flaws, rather than appreciating the people we were intended to be.
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April 26th, 2010 at 5:53 am
Tumblr’s easier. No comments, just likes, meaning I concur.
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April 26th, 2010 at 5:54 am
Well I don’t know about you Nicole but my life is a series of mistakes, mishaps, finding and fixing my flaws. If I’m not making progress, then I don’t see the point in living.
And Ki… but… I asked for opinions and feedback
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April 26th, 2010 at 6:15 am
ummm, i suck at keeping in contact with my friends…. the majority of them dont hear from me for periods of time unless they text/call me…. and for a time, i had lost the ability to whole an actual convo over the phone – id text/bbm to death before actually picking up the phone (been working on that one though)…. thats probably my biggest flaw (i might have to save others for my own blog later)….
i also sometimes think i have maybe a slightly unhealthy fascination with female breasts…. *shrugs* not tryna fix that one though !
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April 26th, 2010 at 6:30 am
Everyone’s lives are series of mistakes and mishaps, some more than others, and some people are too embarrassed to admit them. I agree that without progression there isn’t really a point in life, but at the same time life isn’t just about progression. It’s about experiences, learning, acceptance, and so many more things. Why spend our lives beating ourselves down trying to fix our flaws, when we can accept who we are, find someone who accepts us as is, and even building upon our character? I’m not so sure I’m getting my point across as well as I’d like right about now, sorry if there is any confusion as to what I’m trying to say.
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April 26th, 2010 at 5:01 pm
I don’t necessarily believe that alL your ‘fans’ are brainwashed, but to speak for myself, I don’t think I could ever make an absolute opinion about you or anyone because when it comes to it, I don’t really know you. I’ve read numerous tweets & thought that you contradicted yourself, but isn’t that what everyone does? It only that our feelings aren’t being documented in such a public social media .It’s the kind of situation where you just either want to immediately re-assure the person that they’re not a bad person or [under the anonymity of the WWW] bash the person into a shameless pulp. It’s not easy admitting that you’re human, so regardless of what anyone says who is brave enough to own up to it deserves some cheerleaders. *THE END <3
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April 26th, 2010 at 6:23 pm
I specifically said my readers are NOT brainwashed.
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April 26th, 2010 at 10:13 pm
I think you need to work on being more humble. For example, you don’t write back to twitter comments (unless you feel like it) and its NOT because you are too busy or don’t see because a person like you watches for all compliments & comments (on ur blog, twitter etc.) but if it doesn’t benefit you to reply or you dont feel like it or find it relevant you don’t. now more HUMBLE & naturally SWEET people ALWAYS write back even if I comment something small, even bigger & more famous bloggers write back something slight. i just think u need to work on that =) toodles
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April 27th, 2010 at 5:48 am
I agree with what Tanya said, it’s something I noticed also. Alexis said she responds when she feels compelled to respond, but at the same time, so did EV’Yan, and so do your blog and twitter followers. What I am saying is, Alexis, if you want people to communicate with you, you have to also be willing to do the same. But continuing on with the tone of this blog. this was a humbling post and it surprised me that you wrote it. I can’t confess to know everything about you, but some of the things you’ve written were indeed some of the things that I noticed about you. And as i said in your formspring – yes that was me! – not everything is an insult. Not everything is “hating”. I do understand that in the age of the internet, it can definitely be hard to gauge someone’s tone through written words on the screen. But some things just really do take a little bit more perspective. You are a great writer, Alexis. Just keep on progressing is all I will say.
P.S. Could you please stop deleting posts that you feel people don’t like. If you wrote, it, you obviously FELT it even if everyone else didn’t!
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April 27th, 2010 at 12:54 pm
i think that this is the best kind of writing from bloggers. the honest stuff that makes us real. i have a lot of stuff i would like to mend in myself. i’m with you on being readily available to emotionally unavailable men. i have a bad habit of that but its something im working on within myself to change and i also writ about that on my blog. its all about recognising that you have areas of your personality that may not be very fitting but being out spoken and always able to air your views is most def not one of them. one thing about myself i would like to change is my confidence in myself to debate when i feel something is debateable. i always worry that i’m going to be made to look or feel stupid when i know full well that i’m not stupid and am entitled to my own opinions- i don’t assume they are all right mind you, but having the ‘balls’ to put them out there is a great character trait!
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April 27th, 2010 at 1:23 pm
Tanya, you seem a bit annoyed that I didn’t @reply you back a few times with your underhand insult, ‘a person like you watches for all compliments & comments ‘ so I apologize. Most of my @replies are people cosigning something I’ve said or RTing something I’ve said or disagreeing with something I’ve said and I’ve never denied that I feel more compelled to respond to the latter. Why? Because if you agree with something I say, what can I say to that?! We already share the same opinion! It’s not that I don’t think you’re relevant, it’s just why go back and forth expressing this? For example:
My tweet: Ciara kilt the dance in her latest video.
Your tweet: Yes she did!
My tweet: Yea! (this just seems superfluous to me.)
Tracey, I didn’t hold it against Ev’Yan for responding when she felt compellled to – in fact; I said that we’re ALL guilty of it…I simply stated that because of that fact, I worded my comment in a way to grasp her attention. (Btw, it’s pretty unfair to bring her into this since she probably won’t see and won’t have the chance to defend herself :\ but I digress )
I don’t necessarily see twitter as a communication tool like a FB or Myspace, I see it as a networking tool & I feel that if people want to hold a civil conversation with me, I’ve constantly put out many means to contact me. I delete posts I feel like give off negative energy (the EV’Yan post, the race post, the post about people getting offended if you correct them – all of them were very popular) because that’s not what I want to put out into the world.
But thanks for realizing the difference between constructive criticism and and destructive criticism? I have a keen eye for both and perhaps that’s why you may see me insulted by ‘criticism’ on my formspring – because it’s destructive.
Janine; this is the first time you commented ! Sorry for deleting my BBM but you can always email me when you need to talk !
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April 27th, 2010 at 1:31 pm
Some people just need to not take things so personal. If a person asks a simple question, and you get 10 simple responses, is there really a need for another response? I’m sure the person read it and appreciates you for the response.
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April 27th, 2010 at 1:35 pm
Exactly Mo_Rease. Jus like with you, sometimes I’ve responded to your tweets and sometimes I have not but would you go as far as holding it against my character?
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April 27th, 2010 at 9:37 pm
I can relate to so much of the shit you said here… this is really well written, very introspective & I think people need to aim to become an improved version of themself with everyday that passes… as far as how you can specifically improve yourself as a person, I’m not sure I know you well enough to comment… but I do get the feeling you already know a lot of what you need to do, it’s just a matter of doing it
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April 27th, 2010 at 10:58 pm
I’ve hated on myself far more than other people ever have. I beat myself up to a maximum, even when it comes to very minimal things. I always wait until the last minute to do things, especially when it comes to school, which is probably why I’m not doing as well as I want to be. I’m not the greatest friend. I don’t like talking on the phone. I’d rather not go shopping and do “girly” things. I don’t like to talk about other people’s problems. Like, what can I do? I honestly could live without certain girl friends because they are too trusting and emotional. I feel like I only need my family. I’m so introvertic that it scares me sometimes. I don’t have enough confidence to date because I always feel like other people see my flaws head on. I walk with my head down whenever I pass a group of attractive men. But, I don’t want to be alone forever. I feel like the stereotypical image of a black woman has ruined it for me, so I tend to blend into the background alot. I’m a pessimist, a negative Nancy. I would like to change everything that I’ve listed, but in order to change, it has to come from within, but it’s just not there. I feel like I have to live life a little more to find some guidance because it is not available to me right now.
Based off what I’ve read, the only thing that comes to my mind is “Geez, can I have some of your confidence?” Whenever I hear about other people’s flaws, I never agree with them. I wish I could feel like the things I associate myself with are “the shit”, but I’m NEVER 100% sure. I think both you and I are still very young and have a lot more living to do. Not to be cliche, but time changes. Experiences will change you. Relationships will change you. People will change you. I don’t think people realize how much pressure American society puts on the younger generation. It forces us to grow up so quickly, and leaves out the actual “growing up” process. Eventually, you WILL be the person that you want to be, and more. Or maybe I should say, we. Just give it some time, sugah.
Love this blog. I admit that I have been here a few times, read some posts, and haven’t commented. You’ll definitely see my name on here from now on. Have a good day!
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April 28th, 2010 at 2:20 am
“I don’t make friends easily, only because I find most people too be completely moronic but even when I do make some, I don’t keep them. I haven’t called my “best friend” in nearly a year. My biggest fear is that I won’t live up to my potential and yet I continue to let opportunities pass me by. I am so lazy and such a wasted talent. I’m very envious, not of what I can’t have, but mostly what I know I am capable of. ”
This is me. Exactly. I’m really afraid of being that girl who “had so much potential”, but then never accomplished anything.
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April 28th, 2010 at 7:16 am
I’m not perfect either and I know that for sure. I’m glad I’m not because it makes life interesting to be learning from our mistakes. I know my flaw I have been thinking about lately is that I rely on others emotionally to feel better. I need to fix that!
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April 28th, 2010 at 9:07 pm
Cristina pretty much summed up my thoughts exactly. I feel like a “Jane of all trades – master of none.” (Almost) everything I do is half-assed because I’m lazy & it’s hard to get motivated to do something new or push myself to get better at something I’m already somewhat good at. There’s no ONE thing I’m exceptionally good at doing and I guess it’s my fault. Basically, I’m mediocre. Lol.
I also avoid social situations because I feel like everything about me is awkward and/or annoying. Even online, I can’t keep up with a blog because I figure that nobody cares to read it (I have had dozens of blog sites…seriously) and on Twitter I keep my followers to a minimum (my profile is private) because I hate how self-centered Twitter makes people. I don’t want to be one of those people thirsty for @replies or Follow Fridays and shit. As long as I have a few people to talk to who don’t mind my senseless rambling, I’m okay with that. But at the same time, I feel like people are missing out on my clever witticisms. lmao
Btw, sorry I don’t have any constructive criticism for you other than what’s already been said in previous comments. :-/
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May 3rd, 2010 at 4:26 pm
Damn .. this such a good post. I would feel like such an arse expressing myself to a person who feels superior and higher than though, based off of her own writing abilities.. Guess I’ll be writing something this week and posting to my own flop blog. I don’t apprecaite being blocked, and the LiveJournal was thought to be a bridge .. my error in character judgement. No point in befriending a hot/cold person when I am hot/cold myself, entirely pointless. Its just the internet but still.
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May 3rd, 2010 at 10:21 pm
Iyonah, I have no idea who you are and what you’re referring to but if I blocked you on twitter, it’s because you kept unfollowing me and following me back which I think is a cry for attention. I deleted my livejournal. It has nothing to do w/ you or anyone else. I really have no clue who you are.
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May 3rd, 2010 at 10:24 pm
People create fake beefs all the time. They think it’s an easy to come up. pound fail.
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May 4th, 2010 at 12:24 am
Hello Alexis,
This is my first time on this site After browsing through a few blogs, your “about me”, and “list”, I feel this will be the first of many times coming here.
But anywho…..about this blog. I feel the toughest part of life is admitting our own flaws and then working on them. I have many, and I try to improve on them each and every day. This probably isn’t the time or place to get into them, but it’s definately something that I think about all the time.
I also agree on the twitter thing. I reply to anything that I can add to or gain imput from. But replying just to reply is just redundant to me. And this internet social networking is making people weaker because feelings get hurt much quicker. If you “un-friend” someone or “un-follow” a person, they act like you killed thier family pet.
Well, I’ll cut this short so not to highjack the page. But keep up the good work!!!!
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May 5th, 2010 at 7:50 pm
If you “un-friend” someone or “un-follow” a person, they act like you killed thier family pet. <—– I agree with this …
I will unfollow if the line of tweeting is annoying my eyes – not a cry for attention at all. And ok on the LJ thing @ alexis .. its done. Good blog like I said.
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May 5th, 2010 at 9:44 pm
Iyonah, perhaps you didn’t understand that when he said that, he was referring to you. Your entire comment seemed agitated that I either blocked you on twitter or ignored you on lj or whatever.
If someone on twitter unfollows me because I annoy them, cool! No hard feelings. I do not block every person who unfollows me. But when you’re continuously unfollowing me only to follow me back the next day, that raises a red flag, strikes me as odd, so I’ll block the person because it just seems shady.
I still have no idea who you are.
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May 5th, 2010 at 10:33 pm
Ok …
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May 9th, 2010 at 1:52 am
qosh am i late ! buht anyway here qoes :
i can be a major BXTCH ! which is probably why i dnt have very many friends .
i am a PROFESSIONAL PROCRASTINATOR , which leads to issues .
i dont check in w. the friends i do have as often as i should , which causes me to lose friends .
i have very little $$$ , buht i live wayyy beyond my means . which means i’ll never have a lot of $$$ .
i can be really qullible (which is how i ended uhp w. two kids)
i can be really condescendinq at times .
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