I’m in love with him… but instead of accepting the fact that the feeling isn’t mutual, I feel challenged to pursue him even more. The more he pushes me away, the harder I try. Similar to the way he chased the girl before me when she brushed him off in the same way he shrugged his shoulders at me. With the same disinterested look I give the guy who’s pursuing my heart. Who’s probably also dismissing whoever wants him. It’s one big vicious cycle. Everyone involved wanting what we can not have. Why? Why must we become so intrigued by what’s unattainable to us? Why does the forbidden fruit seem that enticing? Perhaps it’s because relationships at this age are nothing short of huge ego trips.
The fact that someone was genuinely not interested in me was such a direct stab at my own self-worth and pride that when rejected, I felt the need to prove to him that I was worthy. I’m loyal, charismatic, loving, laid back, easy on the eyes and any man who can’t see that must be crazy. When actually faced with this man and his nonchalance towards what I felt for him, my identity was insulted and bruised. ‘What’s wrong with ME?’, I’d ask myself. I thought if only he spent more time with me, he’d realize what a great catch I am. If only given the chance to love him enough, I could make him love me back. So I forced all of that upon him but instead of appreciating the way I loved him, it only smothered him to a point where we couldn’t even end amicably.
Even worse than being on bad terms, the relationship left me feeling very drained and insecure. Though he never demeaned me himself, chasing someone who isn’t effortlessly into you is degrading. Constantly wondering ‘What’s wrong with me?’ caused me to search for the answer myself. I’d look for flaws within my personality and appearance that just may be the reason I wasn’t good enough for him. I ended up despising things about me I never even noticed before. I became the living, breathing version of TLC’s song, ‘Unpretty‘. I still am. Forcing a relationship with someone else potentially destroyed the relationship I have with me.
July 1st, 2010 at 4:00 am
thats the choice we make in acceptance of rejection….. we either consider ourselves inadequate or you look at the other person and realize that they’re a loser. i went through my period of experiencing the first thought, but after that episode, its all the second. from the outside looking in, it seems that you need to get to know YOU better before trying to have a relationship, because when you REALLY know yourself, inside and out, positive and negative, you have the ultimate confidence, that no person on the outside can shatter, even if they’re INTENDING to.
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Alexis Belon Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 8:33 pm
I’m not sure if looking at someone as if they’re the loser is the answer though.
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July 1st, 2010 at 4:04 am
Well said, Alexis.
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July 1st, 2010 at 4:15 am
so perfectly well put.
I’ve been fortunate enough to now know not every guy I meet will like me
the way I like him & I wont like every guy that likes me.
I think if people were more upfront in the beginning it could potentially save a lot
of hearts but people are hard headed & we’ve always been taught to never give up
& go after what you want. We feel the reward will be the other person having some
type of epiphany that they suddenly feel the same. Its the beauty and ugliness of dating,
in the pursuit of finding “the one”.
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Alexis Belon Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 9:07 pm
I guess that this being the first guy that I’ve ever wanted and pursued, and couldn’t have…it strikes me as odd. I hope that one day I can be as accepting as you are.
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July 1st, 2010 at 4:33 am
I think this is something EVERYBODY can relate to. Men and women. I know personally, I have a person that turned me away with the “your such a great friend” bit, that in turn, I improved myself just to prove I am worthwihile. It took a few years to shake the feeling, but eventually you overcome it, and look back at that point in life as a learning to cope lesson.
But on another note, I was impressed with Alexis opening up a bit more. It’s good to see the raw and real feelings that many are too shy or scared to express or talk about.
Well, as always, it’s great to see another blog!!!
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Alexis Belon Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 9:09 pm
I feel you on wanting to improve yourself just to prove that you are worthy because that’s exactly how I feel ! And thank you ! I’m really trying to open up more.
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July 1st, 2010 at 4:43 am
i call this……………….the “pretty girl insecurity”. we ARE good catches! we have great things going for us, but of course, some guy had to come along and bring us down….break down our wall….leave us feeling vulnerable and with all types of insecurity problems we didn’t have before! i swear it’s happened to EVERY pretty girl.
but honestly Lexi. it’s not your fault. i wouldn’t be cliche and say he was an asshole, because then we’d ALL be assholes. i’m sure you’ve done it to someone else, just like how i have as well. like you said…. it’s a huuuuge circle. you can’t help who you have feelings for, but please stop being sad
stop trying to pursue him!
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Alexis Belon Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 9:10 pm
Well thanks for calling me pretty An ;] *bats eyelashes.* And I swear, I’m trying to stop !
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July 1st, 2010 at 6:01 am
reading this makes me feel like I’m reading the raw uncut version of any girls diary. It’s something I guess we all go through. But instead of thinking you’re not enough for him maybe you should see it as…. “if he can’t see the good person you are, then he isn’t worth it”. Love this entry !
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Alexis Belon Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 9:11 pm
Really? It’s shocking to me that so many girls are relating to this. I sincerely believed I was the only one ! Which is why I hid these emotions for so long.
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July 1st, 2010 at 1:26 pm
sometimes they don’t know what they want
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July 1st, 2010 at 2:54 pm
This is so very relatable, i`m sure every girl …any person..has felt like this, been in this type of situation before. Personnaly i struggled with it because i had insecurities about myself . So when a person i liked didin’t like me back, i felt even more insecure but then i also understood, justifying it by reminding myself about my physical flaws i thought i had.
Once i got more confident, i’m just okay now with someone not licking me back. I feel like i don’t need to persue someone or prove something to myself because the person liking me depends more on them and there personnality than me. It’s what they like and if they don’t like me it just means my personnality isn’t appealing to theres. That’s fine, you can’t choose who you love or not. No one is at fault. Maybe the two are just not right for each other or maybe it isn’t the right time or place for it.
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Alexis Belon Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 9:12 pm
The thing is, I was completely and utterly confident in myself before him !
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July 1st, 2010 at 4:17 pm
Simply because i can relate to this , i cried half way thru reading it.
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Alexis Belon Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 9:13 pm
:’[ I’m so sorry steph.
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July 1st, 2010 at 4:18 pm
I think you answered your own question with, “Why does the forbidden fruit seem that enticing?” For the very reason that not having something only pushes us to try to obtain that even more. Whether it be jobs, material items or people.
And that being said, I see it as maybe you two were just different puzzle pieces. You thought he was a good match, but it was kind of like when you get frustrated and try to force two of them to fit. It isn’t going to work and one of them is going to end up broken.
I’m not sure why most pretty girls with good personalities feel insecure when something doesn’t end up working out. It doesn’t detract from their looks, nor their personality to learn that you and whoever just aren’t right for each other. Some girls take it as a direct insult or shot to the heart … when really it just isn’t meant to be.
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Alexis Belon Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 9:14 pm
HA! You subliminally called me pretty Eric! And I absolutely adore when you take the time to comment my blog. You comments are always straight from the heart and very enligtening. That puzzle piece analogy was great.
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July 1st, 2010 at 4:51 pm
It could be the fact that some how fate is sending vibes to the person stopping you from having what you really want so that later on you will have what you need to be in a happy successful relationship everything happens for a reason and the reason could be theres someone more perfect for you that can appreciate your beauty and compliment it as well i guess life is like a big circle but we never really figure out how big the circle is until we have been all the way around and then on that circle we find our spot to stop and grow
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Alexis Belon Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 9:14 pm
Is that how fate works?
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July 1st, 2010 at 8:49 pm
I think as women/girls we find ourselves analyzing ourselves dramatically when rejection comes upon us. Whether it be from a man, or anyone else. In our minds we feel the need to know the truth behind people’s reasoning’s about certain decisions they make that involve us. We feel a split or a decision they make needs to be justified or logical reasoning.
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Alexis Belon Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 9:15 pm
EXACTLY! To me, there had to be some logical reason why I wasn’t good enough for him and since he couldn’t give me one, I’d look for them myself.
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July 1st, 2010 at 9:43 pm
I can def, relate to this, I think pretty much anyone and everyone could relate to this entry. I kind of went through something a little similar not too long ago, and i still dont like thinking about the situation..
its good that you actually know whats going on, because some people get in denial, like hardcore and never realize whats going on. I’m glad that you posted this entry, I don’t feel alone and I know that someone else understands the way that I feel. The first thing we do is QUESTION US, when it’s never ever us..it’s them…their insecurities & their issues.
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Alexis Belon Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 9:21 pm
It took me a while to step back and look at the situation from the outside looking in and realize what was really going on.
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July 1st, 2010 at 9:58 pm
Never ask anyone for anything, not for love, friendship, respect or admiration. They should feel it from within and if they don’t ,you have to let it go. Pride in self is necessary before love of self is possible. good luck
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July 2nd, 2010 at 6:21 am
amazing. it’s hard to accept that sometime what we want just isn’t gonna happen. this EXACT situation was my life on & off for way to long & i love that you posted this. it’s refreshing to know that young woman all go through that same things even when most keep it to themselves. i love your blogs, your writing is a voice for those who cant get the words out or just feel like nobody can relate to what they are going through & you give a raw & honest view into what’s real. keep doing what you do because your great!
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Alexis Belon Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 9:18 pm
It’s just as refreshing for me to find out that other girls experience it as well!
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July 3rd, 2010 at 5:07 am
I love the realness of this post. I can remember feeling this way on and off in my life. As women we always want to feel that we are the #1 to what sometimes is “that guy of the moment”.
For some reason this post also reminds me of Somaya Reece. It seems like she is trying so hard for Joe Budden (whom I know you hate
to see her as the special woman that he just cant live without. But instead she is starting to look sad, lonely and crazy.
Sometimes out attempts to show “him” why he should chose us we can lose touch with the reality of the relationship or nonrelationship and that it’s not working or not meant to be. The truth sometimes hurts but is so necessary!!!!
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Alexis Belon Reply:
July 3rd, 2010 at 11:42 pm
Ew. I am NOTHING like Somaya Reece ! Notthhinnnnngggg.
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July 3rd, 2010 at 10:33 am
You took the words right out of my heart and put them here. I’m in the exact same pain over my ex. In which I broke up with him, got back together etc. Now we’re apart again. It’s been a month since HE ditched me and…I’m hurting. Wished him a happy father’s day, left him a voicemail saying I just want to know how you are. No reply. But I can’t force someone to love me…but I’m still in love with him. Thank you for this post.
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Alexis Belon Reply:
July 3rd, 2010 at 11:43 pm
I’m glad I can speak straight from your heart. But forget him girl, he aint never going to change !
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July 6th, 2010 at 4:31 am
We’re back together, in part thanks to this blog entry! Alexis, did you know you can change lives?? Words are so powerful.
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Alexis Belon Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 1:01 am
this comment made my day !
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August 6th, 2010 at 12:11 am
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