You’know, even with all the blank stares I’d get all my life when ppl asked what I wanted to do that I’d respond with a simple ‘art’, it never occured to me, not even for a split second, that maybe, it just wouldn’t happen. I look at my father, in all his genuis and can’t help but wonder what his aspirations were at my age, and if he had the slightest clue that it’d never end up that way. I see all these drug addicts in my neighborhood headed nowhere fast and I just know they never foresaw this as their future. As much as people love taunting them for supposedly “choosing” this lifestyle, let’s face it, no child sat there and said ‘hey! when I grow up, I want to be a crackhead’. Nobody plans to be a fuck-up. Life happens. And I wonder if it’s happening to me and maybe I just don’t know it. Because that once confident and certain answer to what I wanted to with the rest of my life ‘art.’ has now turned into a doubtful and shy ‘art?’…
I guess in some way or another, we’re all dependant on someone or something to give us incentive to keep pushing. A lot of folks lean on the love of a parent, a friend, or significant other to help them get by. Some people rely on the stability they’ve gotten so used to and fear stepping outside of their comfort zones. But me? I don’t have any of that. All I ever had to cling to was my dreams. I’ve always been a big dreamer. My family always mocked me with ‘Alexis lives in a fantasy world’ because there was a point in my childhood where you couldn’t keep me from writing stories or poems, drawing, putting on shows or just creating something new everyday. They unsuccessfully tried to make me ashamed of who I was. They would’ve preferred if I was a star athlete, an outstanding student, or something they could brag about to all their friends and be proud of. But I still embraced my imagination and creativity and always knew that those were the things that were going to make me something big one day. I just knew it. With an utmost conviction that only little girls have.
Except, mine lasted well into my adult-hood. I never made a ‘back-up plan’ or ‘plan b’ because I was so sure that whichever one of my artistic ventures I decided to pursue, I’d excel. But recently, ambiguity has crept into my soul like a plague. As I start watching all my friends graduate college and start careers, I start to wonder if I should’ve chosen a field that guaranteed a job? As I watch every member of my family raise their eyebrows with doubt when I try to go on casting calls, I wonder if I’m not as talented as I think I am? I mean, there has to be a reason that the people who are closest to me don’t believe in me and refuse to support me, right? Maybe I should take the safe route and go to school to become a nurse or devote my life to working in the casinos? And maybe I will.
However, I can’t shake this fear that I’ll never live up to my potential. I doubt I’ll ever stop chasing my dreams no matter how ‘unrealistic’ they may seem because they are such a major part of me. My dreams are all I have. If I give up on them, I give up a part of me. Without my dreams, my soul is empty. Sure, it’s a risk. What if it all goes horribly wrong and I end up just another fuck up? Ahhh..but what if it doesn’t? And that’s a ‘what if’ I just can’t live with. I just imagine what my future could be, ideal in every respect; & then I’ll work every day toward that distant vision, that goal, that purpose…
And just so this isn’t all words, peep how long and lovely my natural hair is getting!
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