I wasn’t looking for him, I just sorta, stumbled upon him. It was just an infatuation at first. – I used to confuse love and infatuation. I thought being in love with someone meant you felt that initial passion you felt when y’all first met. Now I realize infatuation is just that. True love, soul mate love is not a fiery feeling. It’s like a warm blanket. It’s soothing, not stimulating, although you’ll often feel quite stimulated with that person. It comforts you regardless of what’s going on in your life. – But even with all that compatibility in the air, I was already too comfortable just being all alone so I brushed him off more than once. Then he came a long and made me believe in myself again. And I don’t mean that in the ‘tryna change me’ type of way, he just makes me better. Not intentionally. He probably doesn’t even recognize the change in me since his presence in my life. But there is a major one. He makes me want to be more like me and brings out the best in my artistry. And I have never been so comfortable being just that.

It’s different this time around. I don’t feel that overwhelming yet superficial desire to broadcast this everywhere with ‘i love ____’ t-shirts and albums on myspace titled ’030109′ because I know our connection is real and there’s no need to prove it to the world. See, because this time, it’s not a feeling of ‘omg I’ll just DIE if I lose him’…I won’t…but it’s more of a feeling of completion. I’m content. I’m not paranoid about ‘us’ failing, because if and when we do, no matter how it ends, it’s okay, I can never regret it. Because he saw a light in me that I couldn’t even see, and he pushed it to shine brighter than I ever could’ve.

…There’s another kind of love. One that gives you the courage to be better than you are, not less than you are. One that makes you feel that anything is possible. I want you to know that you could have that. I want you to hold out for it….

Note to self; texting and bathrooms don’t mix like 2 chicks and no dick…find yourself in serious shit. My blackberry fell in the toilet and even though I was BEYOND quick with my reaction, I wasn’t able to save it. This happened to be on the same exact morning that the charger to my janky ass laptop broke. And since I am without cable, I was ready to scratch my eyeballs out. I ended up getting a new blackberry, but my laptop is still useless so I’ll just be updating this blog via blackberry until further notice. And since typing on this thing blows; here’s a random update in list form.

According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Fearing their powers, Zeus split them into two parts; condemning them to spend the rest of their lives in search of their other halves. Deep shit, right?

Goodness gracious, the verses spewing from Lil Wayne lately have put him into my top 10 rappers out right now. This is amazing coming from someone who used to despise Weezy. The funny part about that is; most Weezy fans claim “I prefer his old shit”. Say whaaa?! He was wack back then! I feel completely the opposite. It took him a while to find his niche, but I love it.

Suddenly becoming a Drake fan, if that’s what you are, that’s okay! You don’t have to front like you been on him. Blasting ‘comeback season’ in your cars talking about you miss the ‘old Drake’. I see right through that bullshit so don’t pretend you were bumpin that when it first came out when in reality, you’re just catching up. Keep it real.

I appreciate honesty but there is a way to be honest without dismissing other peoples feelings and if you can’t tell the difference, then you m’dear need to re-evaluate your life. Because your self proclaimed honesty can only stem from self hatred and misery. Its not that we can’t handle the truth. You’re mean. Evil even. Point blank.

Maximillian & Clayton > everything. With brothers like the ones I’ve got; who needs niggas? They’re at the ages that losing their virginity is everything so they think they grown and getting slick with their toungues. I don’t really care though, I know how it feels to be young, dumb, and full of cum. I’m just gonna let the lil niggas bask in the glory of some pussy for the time being.

And lastly, I think there’s a chance that I kind-of sort-of, quite possibly, might be in love with you.

It was all gravy at first. Yenno? When I was like 14-17 and all my friends had strict ass parents setting boundaries while I was doing what I wanted, when I wanted…and never having to answer to anyone. All my friends had parents, and although there wasn’t a soul on earth who really gave a fuck about me, I had a luxury none of them had; freedom. It was great. Until I was thrown into the wild and forced to make life altering decisions. Now when all my friends are relying on their parents as they pursue their passions, I’m practically on my knees begging for some sort of guidance.

So when my mother randomly called last week, I left my usual hostility behind and decided to be kind to her. Afterall, hating your parents is so 16. (lol) No, but seriously…when you get older, you realize holding a grudge takes too much energy out of you so you kind of learn to drink some prune juice and just let the shit go. Besides, it’s not my place to punish her; I’ll let the universe handle that. If a few ‘I love you too’s give her some sort of personal satisfaction, so be it! It’s not hurting me. Yeah so she called, we made plans, she let me down…whadidyaexpect?! But the thing is, I just want to call her and say “Mom (yes ‘mom’…a term I’ve never used before!), I need your help”. I feel like pleading to both of my parents. Be the parent & let me be the kid, for once.

It’s time to let it go; the idea of maybe one day having a mother. Or one day her treatin me like a child. Or even one day her realizin she fucked up and just offerin a sincere apology. Let all that shit go. And accept her as Angie, the f***d and p*********e. Someone I’m blood related to and will care for because of that..but not someone I’m obligated to..or is obligated to me. I have to treat her like an associate. I’ll offer her conversation if it’ll get her through the day. But it will never go beyond that.

I’d kill to have gaurdians I could rely on as I go to school. But I’m too busy surviving & taking care of my brothers to focus on building my own future. All I can do is make decisions based off where my heart is and hope I’m not fucking up life.

Being back in Jersey feels like 10 steps backwards. Things that went unnoticed before suddenly strike me as odd. Like this brick ass weather, rats, and how everyone in North Jersey seems to have an attitude. Not having to pump your own gas is cool and all but Jersey is infamous for trappin me in a dark ass hole of complacency and keeping me from making any moves so I can only hope my decision to start all over, (for the umteenth time), in the DMV is the right one. Deuces.

All blogs are posting the same exact bullshit these days. They’re all either posting “exclusive new underground hip hop” that they found not so exclusively on hypetrak or herfection, fashion that can already be found on every other blog, “dope” shit they stole from kanyes blog, or the latest celebrity gossip that they copied and pasted from The YBF, ontd or concreteloop. And even those sites are full of shit. I once saw The YBF post pictures of Fabolous’ new baby that they had stolen from his personal myspace talking about “we spotted Fab and his new baby…” as if they took the pictures themselves ! SMFH. And lord knows I just couldn’t escape that damn TMZ picture of Rihanna, it was everywhere! I’ve watched a little Joe Budden album leak turn into a full out flood because every blogger was trying to be the first to have it. And newsflash, that ‘So Far Gone’ was available for download on Drakes public blog before any of these hip hop sites got hold of it so please stop acting like you’re doing us some big favor by putting it up. We have just as much access to your ‘sources’ as you do.

With that said, one 24 hour Sex & The City marathon later and here I am blogging ! I feel like such a little Carrie Bradshaw ;] I’ve come  to writing in hopes of shedding some reality to the blogosphere by talking about [gasp] MY ACTUAL LIFE [/gasp]. Crazy, I know. My personal thoughts, experiences, art, videos, pictures, ups, downs, random shit that goes on in my head, stuff I love, stuff I hate and whatever other nonsense I think of. Love, passion, truth, experience. Not saying I won’t post music and celebrity gossip, I will, but not because it will attract more hits, because it interests me and I want to share my own personal opinions about it. So sit back, relax and take a ride on this journey of self discovery with me.

I’m not irish but St. Patty’s Day seemed the perfect excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday afternoon so that’s exactly what we did! I honestly didn’t expect Houlihann’s to get that crazy but it was definitely wall to wall and who knew irish folk gets busy like that?! How cool is it to be part of an ethnicity everybody celebrates 1 day a year? I was having a decent time but since some of our girls couldn’t get in, we had to go to another bar and then ended up at Mojitos and it was all downhill from there. At least for me. And since it was one person in particular bringing down my entire night; I shifted from being a really happy lovable drunk to being an angry drunk and wanting to fight everyone. So I left early, got some bud and called it a night. Fuck the dumb.

Idk if you can tell but the empire state building behind us was lit up green. Purtyyy. Not as pretty as when it was pink & red for vday or pink & purple for Mariah Carey’s album release but pretty nonetheless.