life & times of alexis b.

Throwbacks

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Things in my life have been real stressful lately but I like the tension. Keeps me level headed. If everything was going good…then I’d be worried. Who really cares what I’m going through though. In the slums, people have way too many problems of their own to cultivate other people’s problems. It makes me not feel so bad about the fact that nobody really cares about my problems because I know in order to survive their own…they can’t. But it also makes me more unfeeling than I already am…it’s to the point that I’m numb to emotions for other people. I have never been so consumed with loneliness in my life. The scary part is…I can’t tell if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. Because I’ve also never felt so strong and free in my life. It’s like being emotional and caring equals being weak to me…while being callous equals strength? Idk.

So as I’m laying in my bed, listening to this Joe Budden mixtape and smoking cigarettes to help pass time…I start doing some heavy thinking. I always get depressed when I think of what a long way to go I have to even be close to reaching my goals. But today I realized…even though I may have a long way to go, I’ve also came a long way. I’m not here because I fell down, I’m here because I got up.I’ve had the worst shit thrown my way, shit that would break the average person but I keep on standing on my own two feet. I go through a lot of pain, I see a lot of pain, and my life is a struggle. But I love it. It’s beautiful to me. It’s so real. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I literally LOVE all of the pain I’ve ever edured, in fact…I can’t wait to experience more. Pain is such a dominant feeling that when you feel other emotions, they’re that much sweeter. Who will appreciate true love the way that I will? I know I can’t even express the amount of pain I’ve endured but it’s got me feeling invincable because after it all…I’m still here!!! Nothing can stop me. With that said, I think I might get “La Lotta Bella” tatted on me. Fuck that trend, la bella vita. “The beatiful struggle” has more meaning to me.

My feet are tired
And the pain shows
There’s such a long way to go now
Such a long way to go
Gotta be strong
By myself now
Such a long road
My souls so cold
Weaken all my bones
But I gotta work hard
Just to reach my goal
Such a long way to go
So many miles left
But I’m here now

The other day a friend got offered a brand new Benz by an older dude she doesn’t even know and all of her male friends got on her with the quickness. The statement that stuck out the most to me is one of them saying “You’re pussy is NOT worth that Benz, that ‘my body is a temple’ crap is all in your head so you better go get it while the opportunity is there.” But I knew the minute she accepted it would be the minute she put a price on herself.

Never give a nigga free pussy. Been hearing the shit my whole life but I could never get down with it. I can remember going days without food and telling my father I was starving and him saying “Tell that nigga you with to get you something to eat.” But I could never bring myself to swallow my pride and ask for a dime so I’d just go on with an empty stomach. Even when I’d go out with guys and they tried oh so hard to get me to pick something out, I’d shy away and say “I don’t want anything.” I could’ve easily had niggas paying my way through life and just spoiling me but I’ve always had deep rooted issues with it. If it was a dude I wasn’t feelin too tough I wouldn’t allow them to buy me shit because I didn’t want that shit thrown in my face later on down the road. If it was a guy I loved, I might’ve accepted little gifts here and there but I could never ask them for shit; especially on some ‘you owe me since you’re recieving something’ type shit. Because if my feelings really were deep I probably felt whatever I had with that person was too special to reduce it to an exchange.

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Artist: Joe Budden
Song: Dear Diary

Recent comments, and listening to my favorite song by my favorite rapper Joe Budden (find the Un4given audio on one of my earliest entries) made me realize being a rapper isn’t much different than being a blogger. Or maybe it’s just that me and Budden are one in the same. We express ourselves freely, say the shit most people are scared to admit..,people assume they know us and the backlash isn’t always pretty. So don’t mind if I quote him a few times…he verbalizes my thoughts a lot better than I can ;]

I see him getting asked about his depression so much in interviews because he’s very open about it in his music and he always says something along the lines of “I’m cool now…writing about it was therapeutic.” And I don’t know if people really get what he’s saying but that’s exactly how I feel. I may write about feeling depressed, I may write about fucked up situations I’m dealing with…but take it for what it is…how I’m feeling at THAT time. I don’t go around complaining about these things on the daily and I damn sure never sat back feelin sorry for myself but my blog is my personal outlet and usually after I get it off my chest, I’m over it. And more than likely, already doing something about it. It’s called venting people, and of course you’re going to hear more of the bad because that’s what I wanna rid myself of. But this is NOT how I’m feeling all the time.

“See, this is real emotion we deal wit’, Often, and don’t reveal it…Often we stuff it inside, but I’m like fuck it.. lets ride.” It really shocks me when people bash me for admitting my flaws and just being raw and real. Me personally, I appreciate raw honesty so much that I could NEVER go at someone for speaking from the heart. No matter how much I may disagree with them, they deserve my respect because I know first hand what a vulnerable position they’re putting themselves in by being so real.

I usually hate people who respond to ONE hater comment in a blog and overlook all the support they recieve. I’m not one of those people and I’ll prolly never do this again. I just didn’t wanna leave Ashley hangin. All defending me when I aint even bother to defend myself ;] I love her. But just like Joe Budden, I know by putting myself out there, I’m leaving myself wide open to be judged so we really can’t blame people who assume that we’re depressed, sulking, or dwelling just for hearing a few lines or reading a few blog entires. It comes with the territory. In the end, that is one characteristic within myself that I love and would never change for anyone…my realness. And just because I may complain a lot about my life, don’t you for one second believe I would change any of it if I could. I am thankful for every little adversity I’ve ever had to face and all the pain I’ve ever endured for making me, me. And I love the person I was, the person I am, and the person I’m becoming.

I’m saving the “smoking weed” shit for another day, but trust and believe…I’m not letting that one go that easy either

This morning as I uploaded my very first offcial video blog to my youtube (always click ‘watch in high quality’ before watching) , I browsed all my friends on facebook. Believe it or not, majority of my senior class went onto college. This is amazing because majority of my class came from broken homes and are the offspring of dopefiends. I remember my friend who went to middle school AND high school with me telling me in the summer of 05′ to ‘just go to college, it’s the only way out.” I couldn’t understand the sincerity in what he was telling me now but today as I saw so many of my peers profile now say senior in whatever college they’re attending…I get it.

These years passed so fast and going to school would’ve been a breeze for me but noooo…I was too cool for school and had to survive. I also decided to chase pipe dreams instead. Don’t get me wrong, I completely believe in my acting career but I also see that most of my peers ARE out of the hood while I’m still here. I look a their fb photo albums…’Me in Africa’, ‘College Days’ and see they REALLY made it out. I’m so happy for them. No really I am. I witnessed a lot of their hardships with my own two eyes so to see them succeeding brings me to tears of joy. But I can’t help but be jealous because I know they all had something I never had and probably never will…a support system. And trust me when I say, they ALL had one…no matter what kind of homes they came from.

Believe me when I tell you, there are no successful people in this world that didn’t have atleast one person believing in them and guiding them in the right direction. Whether it be a parent, an auntie, or even a teacher. There was SOMEBODY in that persons life that encouraged them and helped them see what they had the potential to be. Self-motivation is NOT enough, fuck what anyone else tells you. Self-motivation will just get you by. I didn’t excel in highschool but self motivation got me by enough to graduate. Had I had a supportive parent I probably would’ve passed with flying colors.

On another note…

Today was a fantabulous day ;]

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Mind you people, I was not only there as he recorded atleast half of those songs on that album…I was there as he wrote them. Hearing her voice on his old shit never hurt me as much because I wasn’t there. That was her time. He’ll always hear his songs from that time and remember what an important part of his life she was then. Sure it might’ve bothered me to hear his old shit and hear how in love he was…but I took it for what it was.

I won’t lie…I was already bothered by the fact that the ONLY verse he spit about me on the entire album also included a verse about her and some other random chick. I mean, isn’t this your life on wax? She got full songs during her time in your life…why can’t I? But whatever, I’ll take what I can get. Fact is, the song is actually about her. The verses about me and random chick were just thrown in for the fuck of it. Embellish the truth and spice the song up a bit. I guess I can’t really trip…can’t FORCE someone to write a song about you. But it would’ve been nice to know I meant something.

But to hear her voice on the album? The album she wasn’t there for. That hurt. An entire track on The Rise Of Nimi Hendrixxx is HERS. Number 19…all hers. Forever. There’s no traces of my existence on the entire shit except for my screaming at him at the end of Lifetime and that very short and vague verse on her song. A verse that verbally raped me, something I’d never be proud of. I’ll never let someone listen and say “Hey this is about me!” When he’s an old man and he listens to that album and reminisces on what was going on in his life during it…he wont even remember me. I don’t want him. I can honestly say that now. But I deserve to atleast be an anecdote. “Remember when I was with that chick Alexis for a year?”

I let him know how I felt about it hoping to atleast get some empathy. All I got was a “stop hatin”. Even as I write this entry, I’m hoping he’ll come across it and just understand where I’m coming from. He won’t though. He knows the site but doesn’t care enough to check up on me. And if he does happen to visit…he’ll only be happy that someone dedicated an entire blog to writing about his stupid little mixtape. Well guess what?! Photo, Tax and Bless are better! Bye.

ashcrack (1:31:06 AM): that message probably gives him butterflies and shit lmao

(ashley to the rescue again)

“The temple of the most high begins with the human body, which houses our life, essence of our existence. Africans are in bondage today because they approach spirituality through Religion provided by foreign invaders and conquerors. We must stop confusing religion and spirituality. Religion is a set of rules, regulations and rituals created by humans which were supposed to help people grow spiritually. Due to human imperfection religion has become corrupt, political, divisive and a tool for power struggle. Spirituality is not theology or ideology. It is simply a way of life, pure and original as was given by the Most High. Spirituality is a network linking us to the Most High, the universe and each other. As the essence of our existence it embodies our culture, true identity, nationhood and destiny. A people without a nation they can really call their own is a people without a soul. Africa is our nation and is in spiritual and physical bondage because her leaders are turning to outside forces for solutions to African problems when everything Africa needs is within her. When African righteous people come together, the world will come together. This is our divine destiny” - Haile Selassie of Ethiopia

I’m so sick of all my peers acting like being single is some type of handicap. They whisper ‘she’s single‘ as if I have some disease. I look back and try to remember what made me buy into this entire relationship hype. Like… The being the third, fifth, or seventh wheel wheel at the fair, movies, ANYWHERE typa shit. Supposedly having a ‘girl’s’ night while all your girl’s do nothing but text and call their boyfriends typa shit. The broadcasting your relationship on myspace typa shit.

All these things played a major role in tricking me into believing I wanted a relationship. I wanted to have someone of my own to text, someone to ride the ferris wheel with, plaster photos all over my myspace, inside jokes and all the other relationship hoopla. But just because one craves companionship doesn’t mean they want commitment. ANY relationship ANYone is in should be to build a future or eventually marry the person…otherwise what’s the point? Most these youngsters aren’t thinking that far ahead. They’re just hopping on the bandwagon. Falling in love when they don’t even love theirselves enough to command the respect they deserve. It sounds so cliché but you truly have to know and love yourself before adding another person into the equation. “But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” Six seasons of helpful quotables and I finally got the life-altering one on the very last episoode.

I’m single as a middle finger. I’ll probably stay that way for a good minute. And I want to. People tend to act like those of us who roll solo are the weaks ones and the ones coupled up are the strong ones but the reality is; majority of the time it’s the complete opposite. I have the courage to face adversities and experience life on my own and not base my morals, opinions and ideas off of someone elses. Sure, there’ll be days I’m craving companionship and I’ll find someone to fill that void, but I’ll be able to take it for exactly what it is… the state of being with someone…nothing more, nothing less. The only thing guuranteed when someone enters your life is that eventually they’ll leave so the best you can do is enjoy their company while they’re there.

On another note: this blog has become exactly what I’ve been trying to stray away from. A site who’s visitors are only ‘returning the favor’ of you visiting their site. Skimming the entries and feeling obligated to leave me a comment just because you left them one. Ugh! This was intended to be an outlet and a place my subscribers/supporters can come and connect with me on another level. A deeper and more relatable level. So shit’s about to get real personal around these parts: watch out !

So I saw The dark Knight The Joker and I loved it. And I wanted so badly not to hop on the “Heath was great in this movie” bandwagon because I figured it was just a classic case of people appreciating someone after their death. In my opinion, the kid was always a pretty good actor so I didn’t want to have to suddenly start praising him. But da-da-damn! His performance was BEYOND amazing. What makes a great actor/actress to me is if you can totally forget that you’re watching the actor while watching the movie. I did not see Heath Ledger at all while watching the movie, I just saw the joker. No Heath australian accent, no Heath mannerisms, no Heath…period. Truly inspiring to an aspiring actress and I can only hope to perfect my skill just as good…someday soon. Batman on the other hand…wack, lame, flat, boring, monotone. Ugh. He just makes me mad !

On that note, this summer has been filled with AMAZING movies. Sex & The City, Ironman, The Dark Knight & I just know Pineapple Express is going to be fantabulous. I’m really excited that screenwriters, directors, actors and actresses are stepping their game up and I’m so proud to be stepping into this industry. I really and truly appreciate acting as an artform and can’t wait for the day that I’ll be able to say I contributed to a classic movie.

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It’s true. I used to despise Lil Wayne. The sound of his voice was completely intolerable. His music had no substance. He was an insult to REAL hip hop. And the fact that people called him the “greatest” would make me flip the fuck out. But see, that was all before I became a pothead. Now I bump weezy all day and am constantly quoting him. So allow me to take the time out to explain myself.

In my sober state of mind, I’ll listen to Lil Wayne and be like “What the fuck is he talking about?” Majority of his songs don’t really be about ANYTHING…there’s not even much lyrical skill…they just consist of a bunch of metaphors and he relies heavily on them for punchlines. And to hiphop heads…this can be insulting because it’s not intellectually stimulating. Nobody can deny the hot punchlines this kid spits but when you’re used to hearing tracks that actually have a point or story…these metaphors and punchlines will often get overlooked because you’re looking for some bigger picture…you’re looking for some substance. You’ll keep thinking What’s the point of this song? and you’ll end up not even giving the lines a chance.

Now any pothead can vouch for me when I say getting high makes you “think way to much” about everything. You approach things with more open-mindedness and you’ll have a brand new perception of everything. You have a heightened sense of things while lowering your inhibitions…making it much easier to laugh at things that might otherwise go unnoticed. Which is why I say “they” don’t want to legalize weed because it expands the mind, it frees you and can save the world but I’ll touch on that topic another day because I don’t wanna go off subject. LMFAO.

But when I first started smoking weed and listening to Lil Wayne I was able to ignore the fact that his songs might have no substance and focus on each and every metaphor and break em down. I went from thinking “What the fuck is he talking about” to thinking “Who would think of some ill shit like that?” For example: the line “Tougher than Nigerian Hair” doesn’t sound too spectacular when I’m in a normal state of mine…but when I’m high I’m like “this nigga is crazy for even thinkining up some shit like that.”

Another reason why Weezy goes oh so hard when I’m high is because he’s always talking about how he’s the best, how everyone else is not on his level, how everyone is below him, how nobody can see him, how he’s looking past everybody, how he’s at the top, in the sky…and whatever else. This is not on some arrogant Kanye West shit…this is how people really feel when they’re high. LMFAO. So naturally..I relate. Atleast when I’m zuted.

So don’t knock Weezy until you roll something up, blow your mind and give him a chance. And don’t even try knocking me and my habit…especially if you drink alcohol or smoke ciggies. I will have no choice but to verbally rape you. Can I live?